Many find it difficult to understand that sex at the wrong
time can destroy friendship, romantic relationship, and even
a marriage. Even saying “I love you” at the wrong time can
be equally destructive to a romantic relationship. First of
all, this article is neither about pre-marriage sex nor
adultery. What then am I talking about? It is simply
about bad timing and the importance of being patient.
Imagine two individuals who are great social friends who are
enjoying each other presences, sharing ideas and time
together, but one thinks it is the time to say “I love you.”
This is when saying “I love you” can seriously change the
direction of the relationship. When one partner does not
view the relationship as a romantic one or may not think
they are ready to take the next step, then when the other
says “I love you” it is then premature and destructive.
One should not be anxious to express these words. The
truth is “I love you” is to be said without word first.
The non-verbal cues, the body language, the conversations,
the heartwarming expressions are to be “felt” before they
are spoken. If you haven’t said “I love you” without words,
the words will make so sense. Likewise, if you haven’t
given flowers without flowers, the actual flowers will make
so sense.
When one in the relationship expresses feelings of love
prematurely it confuses the other person and often times
stifle future communication and interaction. I have
actually seen healthy relationships destroyed because of
this. The one who was just having a good time and not even
thinking about romance now does not know how to act in the
presence of the one who is the “lover.” What causes this?
Sometimes is it simply that one has a different need than
then other. Whether it is a need to have sex, get
married, or just have a partner, that need may propel the
relationship towards a slippery sloop of unhappiness and
bewilderment. The great gift one can give in a
relationship is the gift of time.
What about sex? Similarly, when a romantic couple is
enjoying the direction of the relationship but one wants to
take the relationship to another step without the
spontaneous involvement of the other, this is when sex
usually destroys a relationship. The one who is not
expecting nor really wanting the sex at that time might give
in because he or she does not want to lose the partner.
However, when it is over, they discover that feelings have
changed. Expectations are cloudy. Thoughts are muddy.
Here is the punch line of this article. Having sex or
saying “I love you” at the wrong time destroys
objectivity—even in marriage. The person cannot think
clearly. Persons who engage in heavy sex before a committed
partnership (marriage) usually have difficulty thinking
objectively about the relationship. Questions like “Is this
the one for me” or “Can I be happy with this person” have
been wiped out of the minds. Some feel compelled to stay
in the relationship because they have invested too much of
themselves. Some feel a sense of obligation. How can
you step back and take a look at the relationship if you are
deep inside it. That is what premature “I love you” or sex
at the wrong time can do.
What about marriage and sex at the wrong time. Is there
such a thing? Yes there is. When there is a serious
emotional distance between partners in a marriage and one of
the partners insist on having sex when the other is not
ready, it can distort objectivity. Often the one who is
insisting thinks all is okay so “I do not have to
change.” This is when sex stifles growth and blocks
clarity.
It is very important that individuals be patient when
developing a relationship and in the healing of a wounded a
relationship. Do no rush to have sex. Do not rush to
kiss. Here are a few concepts I will repeat. If you
haven’t kissed before you lips touched, the kissing will not
be right. If you haven’t said “I love you” without words
yet, the words will make no sense. If you haven’t given
flowers without the flowers before, then the flowers will
make no sense. If you haven’t hugged your partner with
your heart first, the hugging will make no sense.
Here is what relationship expert Janet Zimmerman said about
moving too fast.
“But both conventional wisdom and
experience show that having sex too soon increases the
likelihood of ruining a potential relationship. Yet if
you've fallen into the sticky trap of sleeping with someone
too soon, even knowing that it's not in your best interest,
you may have: Gotten caught up in the moment, Mistaken
sexual chemistry for more than what it is, Craved intimacy,
Had sex for validation after a break up or a dry spell, Used
sex as leverage, Felt pressured and wanted to please the
guy, Believed you could have a no-strings-attached
relationship, only to later want a real boyfriend-girlfriend
relationship, Thought you were the exception. . . But if you
want a real, long term and committed relationship, having
sex too soon sends the wrong signal to the guys you date.”
Enjoy each other now. Have a great foundation of
friendship. You will discover that you sex drive one day
may diminish and what you will have is the friendship and
love for one another. Take the time. Make haste slowly.
Barrington H. Brennen, MA, NCP, BCCP, JP, is
a marriage and family therapist. Send your questions or comments to
question@soencouragement.org,
or
write to P.O. Box CB-11045, Nassau, The Bahamas, or visit www.soencouragement.org
or call 242-327-1980 or 242-477-4002.
