Question: I
have been in many relationships with girls, and each
time I think, "this could be the one." But every time I
start thinking that, the relationship goes sour. I’m in
a relationship with this girl who’s like no other girl
that I have been with. I’m starting to think that this
could be the one, but I’m scared became this is where
the relationship usually starts to go down hill. I have
no reason or cause to think this except for past
experiences. I want this relationship to go on, but I
not thinking about marriage right now. I just enjoy her
company and don’t want to lose it. How can I assure
myself that this will not happen again?
Answer: There
is no simple answer to this question dear friend.
However, I want to look over a few ideas with you.
First, I do not know how old you are. I am assuming,
though, that you might be at the time of life where most
people go in and out of relationships faster than shoe
changes. This is not necessarily bad. In fact, if you
enter a relationship with the idea of giving, and not
merely expecting to receive, you will come out of that
relationship more mature to face the others.
Since values
change as time progresses so do our friends, that is why
it is important not to get too serious at too young an
age or too quickly in a relationship.
Note
carefully it is more important being the right persons
than choosing the right person. You are to make sure
that you are emotionally, intellectually, financially
and spiritually ready to make a decision for a
relationship.
Another way
of looking at this is that you might be predicting the
outcome by your own self-prophesying downfall. Maybe you
have lost trust in yourself, or perhaps your family
background offers no positive modeling for you in this
area. You constantly feel
overwhelmed and self-defeated.
You might need to focus on strengths instead of
weaknesses. Think positively and set goals that can be
reached within reasonable time. Allow yourself the
privilege of making mistakes, and not moments of
self-destructive thoughts and defeatism.
Another
concern is that your might be moving too fast in the
relationship and expecting too much too soon from you
friend. You might be inquiring too much too early, or
wanting to become physical too soon. Many young ladies
want a relationship to move along graciously and
tenderly, with an understanding element of firmness.
Therefore, what you would need to do is to slow down,
move gently, go patiently yet positively. Don’t forget
that being well groomed, smelling sweet, and the wise
use of humor can go a long way. Making your friend feel
special through kind words of appreciation and tokens of
love are always helpful (a flower delivered to her home,
or "I love you____" written in the sky).
Finally,
allow a little time to breathe. Do not try to cloud her
every hour of every day with
your presence. Remember
absence makes the heart fonder. If you water a plant
ever day, eight hours a day, for one week, it will die.
You can literally drown the plant with water, the same
ingredient that makes it grow into a healthy plant.
Similarly,
you can drown your own relationship with love. "He that
had an ear let h
Note
carefully that what really distorts healthy decision
making is jumping in to bed with someone early in the
relationship. Sex distorts objectivity. It
blurs clear thinking making it difficult to truly
evaluate whether or not you should stay with a person.
So avoid getting physically close (having sex and heavy
petting and kissing) before your minds are hooked up.
This can impact making the right choice.
Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and
family therapist and board certified clinical
psychotherapist, USA. Send your questions or comments
to question@soencouragement.org or
write to P.O. Box CB-11045, Nassau, The Bahamas, or
visit www.soencouragement.org or
call 242-327-1980 or 242-477-4002
