[ * The 23rd "stupid thing" was added on July 27,
2012 ]
Parents, before you wonder what stupid things you
are dong to mess up your children’s lives, I present to you seven most important behavior principles you should
want your children to learn before they leave the home as independent
adults. Here they are:
-
How
to do things for themselves: INDEPENDENCE
-
How
to do what they say they’ll do: DEPENDABILITY
-
How
to have confidence in themselves: SELF-ESTEEM
-
How
to get along with others: COOPERATION
-
How
to solve problems without yelling and hitting: PROBLEM-SOLVING
SKILLS
-
How
to do well in school: ACADEMIC SKILLS
-
How
to live Godly and righteously in this world: SPIRITUALITY
Understanding these behavior principles is
important. In addition, knowing and understanding the three most important
goals in parenting is crucial. These goals are: 1) Teach your
children to think independently. 2) Teach them to be critical
thinkers. 3) Provide the environment for them to create original
thought.
The goals of active parenting are not to drive
away stubbornness, break the will, “teach them a lesson or two,” nor to
restrict behavior. In a nutshell, active parenting provides the freedom to
choose, think, and act on your own.
23
Stupid Things Parents Do To Mess Up Their Children’s Lives
(Without explanation)
Here is my list of stupid things parents do to
mess up their children’s lives. Note that most, if not all parents, have
done some “stupid thing” while raising their children. Effective parenting
is being wise and alert, not forceful and acting like military leaders in
the home. I am deliberately omitting comments after each one to allow you
to think and explore on your own. [
See brief explanation of each
stupid thing ]
1.
Failure to start preparing your
child for adulthood twenty years before they are born
2.
Not providing a peaceful
environment before the children come out of the womb.
3.
Not setting boundaries from birth.
(Time to eat, sleep, etc)
4.
Not letting your children see you
reading the newspaper and the Bible.
5.
Saying: “I can’t wait for you to
bring home some grandchildren.”
6.
Going to sleep before your children
go to bed.
7.
Not creating a schedule of chores
for everyone in the house.
8.
Not respecting your children’s
right to be stupid at times.
9.
Forgetting that you were once a
teenager.
10.
Not spending enough time having fun
with your children.
11.
Not letting your children see you
kiss.
12.
Not letting your children see you
settle simple differences effectively.
13.
Letting Grammy rule your house.
14.
Telling someone in the presence of
your unruly teenager: “He is sixteen, I cannot tell him what to do.”
15.
Telling your children: “When you
get eighteen you will be free to do what you want to do?”
16.
Going to church and leaving your
children at home.
17.
Not making sure your children
understand clearly the reason they are being punished.
18.
Asking your children: “Do you have
homework tonight?”
19.
Intentionally embarrassing or
shaming your children in public.
20.
Always controlling, choosing, or
making decisions for your children.
21.
Failure to acknowledge the
uniqueness and creativity of each child.
22.
Requiring your children to be
obedient and you have not demonstrated obedience in your own life.
23.
Providing everything for the child
that the parent could not have when they were children - -
Saying "I don't want you to suffer the way I did when I was a
child."
Click
Here to Read Explanations
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What Methods Should Parents Use?
Here are some things parents can do to avoid
“doing stupid things”
·
Make your demands simple and clear.
·
Speak once.
·
Follow up with consequences.
·
Speak firmly but softly. (Do not scream
and shout.)
·
Be willing to apologize.
·
Establish rituals.
·
Let the children participate in setting
the rules.
·
Spend quantity and quality time with
your children.
·
Allow them to act crazy at times. It’s
okay.
·
Select your battles wisely with your
teenagers. Remember you were once crazy. You were once a child.
·
Reinforce frequently positive behavior.
Always praise the behavior you want your children to display.
(Absolutely, never shame your children.)
·
Use negative reinforcement sparingly,
including physical punishment
·
Nurture and teach moral and spiritual
values as part of the disciplinary process.
Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and family
therapist. Send your comments or questions to P.0. Box CB-11045, Nassau,
The Bahamas; or visit
www.soencouragement.org or call 1-242 327 1980. Or you may email
question@soencouragement.org
