Is
it possible for today’s teens and young adults to remain
sexually abstinent? Is it an out-of-date teaching or
expectation? Before I explore these questions, I will give
my definition of sexual abstinence. Sexual abstinence is
not having sex in any form (emotionally or clinically)
before marriage. Wikipedia gives this definition: “Sexual
abstinence or sexual restraint is the practice of refraining
from some or all aspects of sexual activity for medical,
psychological, legal, social, financial, philosophical,
moral, or religious reasons.”
Here is one
reason sexual abstinence has not worked very well in our
society where most people claim to be Christian. Religious
parents and leaders have mostly taught sexual abstinence
only in the context of spiritual purity—a Divine
expectation. “This is what the Bible says, and therefore,
do not do it.” That’s about the limit to the teaching.
While the teaching of sexual abstinence is ideal, the method
of “Do what the Bible says” really does not provide enough
knowledge to assist the individual when navigating natural
emotional and physical sexual desires. Many religious
leaders ignore the reality of natural drives or desires of
the budding young adults. Many make our teens feel that
sexual desire itself is really wrong when not in a
marriage.
Over the past
fifteen years, I have conducted numerous seminars for teens
and young adults on sexual abstinence. I called these
seminars “The Foolishness about Abstinence.” Although I am
a promoter of sexual abstinence before marriage, the
seminars were designed to help the participants to think
clearly and objectively about their sex drive and the
purpose of sex. One of the features of the seminars was to
have the participants fill out a “Sexual Attitude
Questionnaire.” Over a ten-year period, I have accumulated
about 1000 respondents to the survey. One of the key
questions was: “Have you had sexual intercourse at least
once?” In every seminar setting, fifty percent of the
respondents indicated that they had sexual intercourse at
least once. Note that these were teens who attended church
regularly and were taught to abstain.
A part of my
seminar presentation to the teens and young adults on sexual
abstinence, I would also examine the impact of the
“Abstinence Pledge” that started in the 1993 in the United
States by the Southern Baptist Convention and has circled
the globe. It was first called the “Virginity Pledge.” As
a parent of teenagers at that time, my two children also
signed the pledge. Here’s the Abstinence Pledge:
“Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God,
myself, my friends, my future mate, and my future children
to be sexually abstinent from this day until the day I enter
a Biblical marriage relationship.” Millions of teenagers
around the world have signed the pledge. It was done as a
means of getting a commitment from teens to reserve their
sexual activities to post-wedding day. Has the use of the
Abstinence Pledge been effective over the years?
Washington Post
Newspaper on March 19, 2005 reported some startling overview
of the effectiveness of the Abstinence Pledge. The report
was written by staff writer, Ceci Connolly. She said:
"Teenagers who take virginity pledges --public declarations
to abstain from sex – are almost as likely to be infected
with a sexually transmitted disease as those who never made
the pledge, an eight-year study released yesterday found.
Although young people who sign a virginity pledge delay the
initiation of sexual activity, marry at younger ages and
have fewer sexual partners, they are also less likely to use
condoms and more likely to experiment with oral and anal
sex, said the researchers from Yale and Columbia
universities." This report confirms my findings that sexual
abstinence teachers have ignored the reality of the power of
the sex drive in teens and did not present a more
comprehensive approach to sexual abstinence.
Here’s another
report. Peter S. Bearman, Professor at Columbia's Institute
for Social and Economic, Research and Policy. He indicates
the following: "The sad story is that kids who are trying to
preserve their technical virginity are, in some cases,
engaging in much riskier behavior. From a public health
point of view, an abstinence movement that encourages no
vaginal sex may inadvertently encourage other forms of
alternative sex that are at higher risk of STDs."
Here is a bright
spot with the use of the Abstinence Pledge. According to
the research "Teens who make a virginity pledge are far less
likely to be sexually active during high school years.
Nearly two-thirds of teens who have never taken a pledge are
sexually active before age 18; by contrast, only 30 percent
of teens who consistently report having made a pledge become
sexually active before age 18.” That’s good news about the
use of the pledge.
Don’t get too
excited. Something has to change regarding the teaching
methods and information about sexual abstinence. First, it
is my strong view that sexual abstinence is possible.
Second, it is ideal and rewarding of waiting until marriage
to engage in sexual intercourse. Third, it is imperative
that we talk with our teens frankly about their sexual
drives, passions, and urges. Let them know that sexual
urges are normal. Talk with them about the advantages of
waiting. Fourth, be wise to let them know that it is best
that they always have their heads on their bodies. Do not
allow the urges to dictate to their behavior or cause them
to act impulsively. That’s how you get pregnant.
Here are important closing points (not in the
audio format). If one's goal is to remain
sexually abstinent before marriage, then avoid
having long courtship relationships.
Couple who have a courtship one to 2.5 year in
length, will have a great chance of obtaining
this goal compared to those who have a long
courtship--3 to 10 year or more. If you
know you are not going to get married until the
next five years or more, then do not have a
close, passionate relationship. The
temptations will become too great.
If they
feel they must engage sexually, they must plan not to let
the moment destroy their lives. Use protection. Avoid
pregnancy. Avoid being promiscuous.
Barrington H. Brennen, MA, NCP, BCCP, a
marriage and family therapist and board-certified clinical
psychotherapist, USA. Send your questions or comments to barringtonbrennen@gmail.com
or write to P.O. Box CB-11045, Nassau, The Bahamas, or visit
www.soencouragement.org
or call 242-327-1980
