Expressions of appreciation is one of the
missing elements in many romantic
relationships. Too many spouses take each other
for granted. They expect the love they have for
each other to just last and last without doing
anything. This is false and dangerous. Words
that can help us understand the meaning and
importance of appreciation are gratitude,
thankfulness, gratefulness. Spouses are to
find ways for showing every day how much they
are grateful for their partners. Not one day
should pass without a spouse showing with words
and action how much they love their partner.
When was the last time you said thank you to
your spouse? When was the last time you told
your spouse “You look lovely, baby?” Remember,
once is not enough. Husbands, never allow your
spouse to leave home to go to work, church, or
even a picnic, without you making a compliment
about how beautiful she looks. She would have
spent two hours getting ready and you do not say
anything. Then the first person that sees her
finds it easy to give her compliments. That’s
not good. This goes for wives as well.
According to experts there are at least four
elements of appreciation.
-
Acknowledgment: The
first step each of us can take in expressing
our appreciation to our partner is to
acknowledge the things he or she does.
Expressing appreciation for the little
things cumulatively builds a rock-solid
foundation. Receiving acknowledgment helps
each of us grow as individuals, and
sometimes, just survive the daily hassles of
hectic schedules, deadlines, and
responsibilities in the various aspects of
our lives.
-
Adoration: Praising each other for
the qualities and attributes that make us
special as individuals is crucial. Taking
the time to genuinely let each other know
how much we admire each other’s virtues
brings joy to us and reinforces our
continued individual and relationship
growth.
-
Acceptance: Learning
to accept each other as we are, rather than
trying to change the other, is a difficult
struggle and adjustment for most couples.
Accepting each other as we are is a vital
part of expressing appreciation in a
marriage. Over time we actually appreciate
the differences and see the benefits they
bring to us as individuals and as partners.
-
Affirmation: Letting each other know
how important we are to each other.
“Affirmations are important in building and
supporting each other’s sense of
self-esteem. Affirming your spouse is a way
of validating who they are. When we affirm
each other, we kindle the depths of the soul
of our marriage.”
Here
are a few examples how you can affirm your
spouse. Hold hands in the car when at the stop
light. Wink at each other across a crowded
room. Give a love letter or card on days other
than birthdays and anniversaries. Jump
surprisingly in the shower with her, but do not
have sex. Take him a bunch of hibiscus flowers
you picked from your garden. Rush out to give
your wife a cool glass of water while she is
cutting the grass with the lawn mower. Say
“good morning honey” to your spouse. Tell your
spouse “Thank you for that wonderful sexual
experience last night.” Drive each other to
work occasionally. Eat lunch together
regularly. Cuddle each other in the living room
without sex on the agenda. Go on a date every
week. Gossip about your spouse to your friends
as often as possible. Have a photo of your
spouse on your desk at work or in your wallet.
The latest research tells us that happy couples
live longer and have healthier lives. According
to psychologist, Dr. Brent J. Atkinson, in his
article Emotion Intelligence “Evidence
suggests that those who succeed in their
marriages will live an average of four years
longer than those who don‘t (Gottman & Silver,
1999). They will have an average of 35% less
illness, have healthier immune systems, will be
substantially less likely to become violent,
homicidal, or suicidal, and less likely to
experience an emotional or mental disorder. They
will have a lower risk of being involved in
automobile accidents. The children of those who
succeed in their marriages will have fewer
health problems, better academic performance,
more social competence, less depression, less
problems with social contact, more ability to
regulate their emotions, lower heart rate
physiological reactivity when experiencing
negative emotions, and lower quantities of
stress-related hormones circulating in their
bodies.”
Note that a study by the Association for
Psychological Science as early as 2019 indicates
the same. Here is a summary of the research:
“Research suggests that having a happy spouse
leads to a longer marriage, and now study
results show that it's associated with a longer
life, too.”
Do all you can to keep your marriage healthy and
happy.
Barrington Brennen is a marriage and family
therapist. Send your questions or comments to question@soencouragment.org or
call 242-327-1980 or visit www.soencouragement.org
