In
1975 statistics show that about 44 percent of children in
The Bahamas were born out of wedlock. In 2020 that figure
jumped to over 62 percent (The
Bahamas Department of Statistics). This would lead us to believe
that a major portion of households in The Bahamas are led by
a single parent.
Who
is a single parent? Simply defined, a single parent is one
who has a child or children and is not married. Generally,
there are two kinds of single parents. There are single
parents who have never been married and there are single
parents who were married but are now single due to divorce,
death, or separation. However, it gets more complicated.
There are married individuals who have children for a person
in a previous marriage or when they were single, but they
are the only one parenting that child. The current spouse
wants nothing to do with the child of his/her spouse for
another person. Then there are partners who have children
for another person while they are married or dating. It
causes lots of tension and confusion. In some cases, the
current spouse or partner provides no emotional and tangible
support for the child that came between them in the
marriage.
Having explained all of that, let’s get deeper. A person
who is not married but has children, does not have to be a
single parent, or parenting all alone. If both parents are
actively and equally involved in the lives of the children,
in practice, that person is not a single parent, instead, a
co-parent. I encourage many persons who are single and have
children, not to refer to themselves as single parents if
both parents are active in the lives of the children. I
insist that they refer to themselves as co-parent. Why
think of yourself as a single parent when you have a
co-parent? To take it further, someone who has a child
before marriage and gets married to another person and has
more children with the current spouse, that parent will be
both a parent (with children with his/her spouse) and a
co-parent (with the parent of the earlier child).
Do
you realize that effective co-parenting is just as
meaningful as the nuclear family parenting? Effective
co-parenting requires both parents emotional, intellectual,
financial, and psychological input in the lives of the
children. Unfortunately, there are not many co-parents.
Truthfully, some do not want to, or cannot be a co-parent.
The July 2020 article by psychologist Dora Weithers entitled
“Single Parent or Co-Parent? Right Words Matter” states:
“Mothers and fathers may refer to themselves as single
parents, in an effort to disregard the exes. Some go as far
as refusing to let the other parent see the child.
Intentionally or not, they give the impression that the
ex-spouse becomes the child’s ex-parent. Unless there is
good reason, like abuse or fear of kidnapping or other forms
of endangerment, it is not fair to deny recognition for the
other parent or to prevent interaction between parent and
child. Rather, it is healthy to encourage the parent-child
relationship, and to teach respect for the other parent.”
It
is imperative to understand that spouses with children who
are ending a marriage are not by default ending parenting.
They are not divorcing the children. When properly
executed, they will become co-parents. If they thrust
themselves in the single-parents mentality, there will be a
greater chance of discord and conflict. Note that having a
single-parent mentality will lead to conflicts regarding
discipline, how or when the new mate is introduced, diet,
sleep time, etc. Dora Weithers stresses: “It is common for
the child to take advantage of this parent individuality and
feed the hostility between parents.”
An
important concern of co-parenting is when to introduce the
new partner to the children and how to introduce themselves
to them. Wise co-parents can easily agree on a harmonious
approach to involving the new partner and introducing
children. It is best not to introduce the new partner to
the children until the following is in place: 1) The
relationship is a mature one and your decision is settled.
Do not allow the child to meet every girlfriend or boyfriend
you are dating. It can cause confusion. Co-parents are to
have a harmonious understanding about the way forward. 2)
The parent, when introducing himself/herself to a new
partner or children, will refer to themselves as a
co-parent. Hence, right up front, it is understood that
another person in involved in his/her life and the life of
the children.
It is
my view, as implied earlier, that effective co-parenting
produces a healthy outcome in the lives of the children.
Divorce, death or separation, or not being married to the
partner of your children, need not be problematic or result
in dysfunctional children. Actually, what will create
dysfunctional children is living with dysfunctional
parents. Yes, parenting itself is a challenge and living
alone with children has its own challenges.
In
the article, “10 Signs of a Healthy, Effective Co-Parenting
Relationship,” written by Jennifer Wolf, a Certified Parent
Coach, he lists the following signs as evidence indicators
of a healthy and productive co-parenting relationship. Here
are five of them: 1) Have a predetermined schedule.
Parenting time transitions are more manageable for everyone
involved when the schedule represents a solid, predetermined
routine, rather than an iffy, “we’ll see” type of
arrangement. 2) Willing to be flexible. While
routine is healthy, it’s also important to be flexible with
one another. A healthy approach is to be as accommodating
with your ex as you’d like them to be with you. Even if you
suspect that the same courtesy may not be returned to you,
demonstrating the way you’d like things to be between you
can be more effective than repeatedly telling them that the
current arrangement isn’t working or displeases you. 3)
Defer to one another. This is another sign of a healthy
co-parenting relationship. Parents who work well together
and collaborate as parents will call one another before
leaving the kids with a babysitter. 4) Don't engage in
manipulation. Parents who share a good, healthy
co-parenting relationship do not attempt to manipulate one
another or control their children’s allegiances. They
recognize that their children need to have relationships
with both parents and that their children’s affection for
the other parent is no personal threat to them. 5) Talk
to one another about changes. Generally, the kids of
co-parents who work well together believe that their parents
get along. This doesn’t mean that they necessarily agree on
everything or always like one another, but they do make a
concerted effort to show respect to each other in front of
their children. They have also learned how to effectively
communicate in ways that minimize conflict.
Dear
single parent, do your best to become a healthy co-parent
today.
Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and family therapist.
Send your questions or comments to
question@soencouragement.org or call or text
242-477-4002, or visit
www.soencouragement.org
