Every night, thousands of spouses go to bed alone while
their partners are at work, watching television, playing
games, or doing chores. Is that such a big deal? Sometimes
the already in-bed-spouse is so desperate for companionship
he or she would cry out in great agony “Honey, please come
to bed.” One of the cardinal rules for happy relationships
is spouses are to go to bed the same time at least three
nights a week.
Many couples do go to bed every night at the same time and
this is to be the goal for all couples. However, due to
work schedules, household chores, school assignments or even
personality differences, it is not always possible for every
spouse to go to bed with his or her partner at the same
time. Therefore, couple are to intentionally plan, no
matter the schedules or personality quirks, that at least
three nights a week they will turn in for the night
together. I’ve discovered that three nights a week can do
the trick of keeping the marriage strong if during the other
nights if it is understood that individuals are not just
being selfish to do his or her thing or “killing” time to
keep awake.
WARNING!
Here’s the warning. It does not matter your circumstance,
work schedule or personality; if you are not going to bed at
the same time with your spouse at least three nights a week,
then your marriage is in big, big, trouble. It is a serious
missing or weak link in the chain of love. There is
absolutely no excuse not to be in bed with your partner at
the same time at least three nights a week. This is so
serious to the health of a relationship that one might need
to change jobs to save a marriage.
Here is the dangerous reality. One or both spouses may not
even be aware that this simple behavior is having a serious
impact on the marriage. They might have been raised in a
family where mom and dad never went to bed together and they
did not recognize that their parents had a problem. In very
traditional relationships, usually one spouse believes
(usually the wife) that it is “normal” or “okay” for a
husband to go to bed when he wants to even though she is
unhappy with it. They might even stay together until death,
but they would not enjoy maximized romance and passion in
the relationship. It is as though they would have had a
life-long “common cold” and “stuffy nose” and not do
anything about it. Since they could still “breath” they do
nothing about it. However, they are not aware that not
sufficient “oxygen” is going to the brain and filling the
lungs to provide optimum health. Thus, they live with a
potentially debilitating disease, thinking it is okay. This
is not what marriage is all about.
BED-TIME INTIMACY
In 2009 I wrote that “the spouses that sleeps together
understands, heals, grows, and stays together.” This is
true because many couple grow apart and are not aware of it
until it is too late. Not going to bed together is often
one of the sign that they are growing apart. Research by
the Gottman Institute “shows that many marriages end due to
loss of intimacy and connection, especially 10 to 12 years
into the relationship. But a “silent drift apart" typically
starts much earlier: One person starts to feel unhappy with
the lack of closeness in the relationship—less connection,
less intimacy, less conversation, less time spent together,
less appreciation, etc.” This may be manifested by not
going to bed together.” The research indicates that “about
three-and-half years into a relationship, couples also tend
to stop going to bed at the same time.” Things begin to
get stale and they refuse to recognize it.
Research Jeffery Laron states: "Couples whose wake and sleep
patterns were mismatched (e.g., an evening person married to
a morning person) reported significantly less marital
adjustment, more marital conflict, less time spent in
serious conversation, less time spent in shared activities
and less frequent sexual intercourse than matched couples."
There is certainly something special about going to get the
same time or what I would call turning in for the night the
at the same time. You enjoy more intimacy. You learn that
it is okay just being close without sex on the agenda. You
learn to understand each other better. Here is the
research indicates about another reason to go to bed at the
same time. “It makes female partners view daytime
interactions more positively the next day. It's pretty
amazing that such a simple, easy gesture of togetherness
provides a female partner with rose-colored glasses for the
following day's interactions. For male partners, simply
getting a good night's sleep makes them feel more positive
about interactions with partners the next day
Here’s another important point. Going to bed the same time
also means falling asleep close to each other. Research
tells us the couples who fall asleep within one inch from
each other are more content than those who are thirty inches
apart. The night’s pillow talks, or chatting are also key
to connecting in the relationship. Making sure the cell
phone is not in the room or unplugging the land phone is key
in respecting and honoring the relationship. Here is
another big mistake.
There are far too many couples who have a child sleeping
with them in the bed. It is not healthy. It inhibits
intimacy. Not just sexual intimacy, but intellectual and
emotional intimacy. Some couples really do not know how to
handle long hours together alone. The child becomes an
excuse for going to bed long after the other spouse does to
minimize conversation. Thus, sex, when it does happen,
becomes mechanical and less romantic.
My request is that couples reexamine their marriages. If
partners are not going to bed the same time, make it an
intentional, deliberate effort to do so. You will never
regret it. You may need counseling to help remove the
“debris” that’s causing the divide. Spouses, do not ignore
the pleas to “come to bed, honey.” If you do, your
marriage will be in trouble. If you must change job and
even get less money to save you marriage, then do so. Your
relationship is priceless. This simple act will work
miracles in your relationship. “Honey, please come to
bed.”
Barrington H. Brennen, MA, NCP, BCCP, a marriage and family
therapist .
Send your questions or comments to barringtonbrennen@gmail.com
or write to P.O. Box CB-11045, Nassau, The Bahamas, or
visit www.soencouragement.org
or call 242-327-1980
