On February 14th thousands of
Bahamians and visitors to our
shores, will be celebrating one of
the most popular days around the
world—Valentine’s Day. It is a great
day to honor a loved one. However,
far too many people only use
Valentine’s Day to try to fool the
recipients of the gifts and flowers
to believe that they really care
about them. It is one of the
greatest facades on earth.
Here’s the point. If you think that
giving flowers on Valentine’s Day is
all you need to do to keep the love
hot between you and your spouse,
then you are misguided. Flowers
aren’t enough. Your spouse/lover
wants all of you–your time, mind,
and body.
Flowers are a wonderful way of
expressing love and appreciation to
your lover. However, the giving of
flowers is not the acid test for
warm loving relationships. It is how
you honor and cherish your spouse
through the time spent together, and
then the appreciative words you
utter at other times of the year. It
is also listening to and valuing
your partner’s opinions and ideas.
It is being there for your partner,
especially when the chips are down.
It is placing the relationship with
your spouse above all other
relationships–career, friends,
relatives, church.
I’ve realized that in The Bahamas
there is one season that make a
mockery of Valentine’s Day. It is a
time when relationships are
seriously threatened or fall apart.
It is during Junkanoo preparation
season (not the Junkanoo Parade).
For six to eight months, far too
many of the Junkanoo artisans are
more absorbed and involved in
designing and preparing the costumes
than they are with their partners
and children. They put Junkanoo
preparation first, thus
making the partners feel as though
they are not as important. Then when
Valentines come around, the artisans
try to make up with flowers and
sweet words. It does not work.
In addition, flowers are often used
to hide or whitewash adulterous
behaviors. It would be stupid for a
woman to accept flowers from her
unfaithful husband as a peace
offering and not require a change in
his adulterous behavior. Some men
spend hundreds of dollars on
Valentine’s Day sending flowers to
their wives and "sweethearts" at the
same time.
The old Valentine’s adage is "Say it
With Flowers." What are these men
saying with flowers? The truth is
that you cannot truly say "I love
you" with flowers if you never said
it without flowers. Flowers are
worthless when on-going
discontentment is in the
relationship. On many Valentines, I
have been unable to afford floral
arrangements for my wife. However,
she appreciated greatly my romantic
letters, hand-picked yard flowers,
hand-made cards, breakfast in bed,
etc.
Some women foolishly accept the
dozens of roses during Valentine's
simply because they know it costs
lots of money. It makes them feel
good to know that their lovers are
spending so much money on them. They
ignore the pain simply because of
the price on the tag. With their
eyes open, they are being led to the
slaughter where their hearts are
systematically being tortured by
their partner’s unfaithfulness and
dishonesty. Their body is being
subjected to sexually transmitted
diseases, at times life-threatening,
simply because of the price of the
flowers. If flowers alone keep you
in a sexual relationship with an
unfaithful man, then you are cheap,
cheap.
Many spouses are angry when they
receive flowers from their partners
on Valentine’s Day. This is because
they know their spouses are just
trying to whitewash the problems
between them and refuse to change
their behavior. We need more
husbands and wives who can say it
with words before they say it with
flowers. On this Valentine’s Day, be
there for your partner. Say it with
words, not just flowers. Remember
these words: If you never said “I
love you” without flower, the flower
will make no sense. If you never
said “I love you” with words, the
word will make no sense.
Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage
and family therapist. Send your
questions or comments to P.O. Box
CB-11045 or email
question@soencouragement.org
or visit
www.soencouragement.org