- The Golden Era of
Marriages
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This is a good time to get married
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By Barrington H.
Brennen, 1999, Update May 2024
This
is certainly a good time to get married. This is the golden era of marriage in
the Bahamas, the Caribbean, and the Western world. I call it the golden era
because more couples than ever are making the effort to invest in a loving
relationship and we have all the tools necessary to make a marriage work:
self-help books, videos, professional counseling, regular seminars, and a fresh
spirit of a willingness to learn. People will always get married. Marriage will
never cease to be part of our culture. Some people would have us believe that
since there seems to be an increase in the divorce rate, then marriage is in
trouble. This is not true.
About 2.4 out of five
marriages end in divorce in the Bahamas. Every family seems to be affected by
divorce directly or indirectly through a relative or friend. Since it appears
that so many marriages are breaking up through separation or divorce, many have
concluded that the institution of marriage is crumbling into nonexistence.
The good news is that this is far from the truth. Decades ago couples had no
choice but to stay together. Their marriages were based on endurance and
survival. Respect and submission were the code names for a successful marriage.
Romance, intimacy, and partnership were not sought-after ingredients in a
marriage.
The truth is that not
many marriages of yesteryear were deeply romantic and mutually enriching. I have
counseled many people who have no doubt endured their marriages. They found ways
to cope and adapt simply because divorce would be so wrong and taboo. They
repressed feelings of anger, frustration, discontentment, and discord. Sadly,
many of these "traditional marriages" have been rewarded for longevity and
presented as role models of successful marriages just because they have been
married 40, 60 years or more.
The
length of a marriage does not always indicate the quality of a marriage. Many
couples who have been married for many years often put on a different face in
public. But when at home, they do not sleep in the same bed, nor have they had
sex for many years. They fake it in public until it is a norm for them. A
67-year-old wife told me that the last time she and her husband had sex was when
her 37-year-old daughter was conceived. Wow! She spent years faking it and it
had become very painful. She spent years serving her husband--cleaning house,
cooking, etc.--because it was expected of her. No one knew her pain all those
years. She drowned herself in work where she excelled and served others.
Couples do not want
this kind of marriage anymore. Today, there is a rebirth of the well-balanced,
independent adults who are bringing joy into marital unions today. They cannot
fake it. They want togetherness, companionship, harmony, and happiness.
QUALITY AND QUANTITY ARE DESIRED
Today’s
post-modern couples are not interested in just surviving or enduring. They have
discovered that these are not good qualities for a happy marriage. They want
deep and meaningful, loving relationships. Here’s the good news. I’ve observed
that more couples are seeking interactive, open, interpersonal marriages. More
husbands and wives are wanting to become partners and not just occupants in the
same domicile. More couples are seeking pre-marriage counseling, buying
self-help marriage books, and attending marriage seminars and workshops than
ever before.
Then you may be asking
why are so many marriages still breaking up. Many marriages are ending for the
same reason-–lack of deep, meaningful love. The difference today is that couples
feel they have a choice. Decades ago individuals in a relationship did not quite
understand their boundaries. Personal rights and individuality were lost in the
world of what they thought to be a meaningful relationship.
Today, couples are
learning that when two individuals blend their unique individual rights, freedom
to think, and ability to act confidently, they create a long-lasting, mutually
enhancing, loving relationship; a relationship that is truly rewarding to both
individuals. When individuals are not achieving this kind of loving
relationship, more of them than ever before seek counseling. If counseling does
not work, they do not stick around indefinitely in the relationship just to look
good to family and friends. This does not make divorce okay. It just explains
what is happening and helps us to get a better picture of the real world of
marriage in our country.
Many marriages of
yesteryear painfully survived because one of the partners sacrificed more than
the other. One partner, usually the woman, had to "take care" of her husband
often neglecting her own needs. Husbands did not take care of their wives. Yes,
they were "providers" of money, houses, and land, but they were not there
emotionally. This type of relationship of yesteryear reaped havoc on the
physical lives of many spouses.
A SECRET HELL
Many marriages are
a secret hell. No one knows of the pain and misery. Sometimes these marriages
last legally for ten, twenty, and even thirty years or more, when in reality,
the couple would have been emotionally divorced all the time, though living
together in the same house. As indicated earlier in this article, these couples
often give a good impression on the outside, but marital cancer slowly spreads
until physical separation seems inevitable. Then onlookers are surprised because
they did not know of the "secret" cancer. Sometimes couples set themselves up
for potential disaster. They do not sleep in the same bed, nor do they join
their financial assets together. They go on separate vacations and do not share
in any fun activities together. These are part of the recipe for marital
discord.
I
firmly believe that because of this information age in which we are living, more
and more couples are determined not to make a fool out of marriage or out of
themselves. They want a vitalized, compassionate, meaningful partnership with
their spouses.
THE BEST OF TIMES
This article
intends to encourage all couples by letting them know we are living in the best
of times for having healthy marriages. It’s all right to think, share your pain,
seek help, and be different. It is the best of times because it’s okay for a
woman to be strong, successful, and at the same time feminine. In this best of
times, it’s okay for a man to be gentle and caring and at the same time
productive.
I am not intending to
paint a rosy picture of marriage today. We are faced with greater challenges and
temptations which, ironically, may also make it the worst of times for
marriages. We are being bombarded every day through the media, much differently
than couples of yesteryears, with all sorts of distorted views of relationships.
Then, there are many spouses, after discovering their individual rights and
boundaries in a relationship, who are prematurely, and callously ending a
potentially good marriage. They are allowing themselves to be sapped with the
energies that are needed to rebuild weakening marriages.
KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE
Your goal should
be to make our marriages last, not just endure. To have triumphant marriages not
merely surviving ones. To love and not to tolerate each other. To grow together,
and not to grow apart. To become partners, and not just two individuals sharing
the same space and bed. Let’s take advantage of this golden era of marriage.
I encourage all couples to take the time and
watch outstanding movies/videos. Here
are a few good ones:
"Preacher's
Wife"
"I
Still Believe"
"Fireproof"
"Making
the Best Out of Marriage,"
"A
Vow to Cherish"
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Watch together, then discuss how the main points
apply to your marriage, and ways in which you can make your marriage better.
Here
are questionnaires that can also be useful:
If you are interested in professional
counseling, click
HERE to make an appointment with Barrington
H. Brennen, marriage and family counseling
services.
Here is the web link for
Marriage and Family Counseling Services
Or call 1242-327-1980 or email
question@soencouragement.org
