In
this article, I am sharing some things that I’ve discovered
after working with thousands of couples in marital therapy
sessions and from seminars conducted over twenty-nine
years. They are fascinating, profound, but bitter-sweet
discoveries. I want all married individuals, and those who
are planning to get married, to sit up, fasten their
seatbelts and read with an open mind.
Humility: The Number One Reason
Relationships Last
Here is my first discovery. I’ve discovered that the
Number One ingredient for keeping a marriage or any other
romantic relationship healthy is humility. Yes, I
said humility. I did not hear or read about this
word in marital therapy when I did my training in counseling
psychology over 24 years ago. Now, there is a plethora of
literature on the topic. Before you get upset with me, let
me define humility. Humility is the attitude,
ability, and freedom to admit wrong, apologize, change,
adapt, forgive and receive forgiveness, listen to objective
criticism, and respect the rights of the other person to
have a view, no matter what it is. It is demonstrating a
teachable spirit.
Humility, I said is the Number One ingredient to keep a
marriage healthy. Notice I am not talking about what starts
the marriage or what attraction there might be to lead
someone to fall in love. I am dealing with an already
established relationship and what keeps it healthy. With
this in mind,
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"Humility is the glue in marriage—the
substance that binds romantic partners
together. Love is the heat that dries
the glue and hardens it."
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it
brings me to the word love. I am sure many of you
are wondering, “Isn’t love more important?” Some might be
disagreeing with me. This is how I describe it: humility
is the glue in marriage—the substance that binds
romantic partners together. Love is the
heat
that dries the glue and hardens it.
Commitment: I believe also that
commitment plays a pivotal role in keeping marriages
healthy and together. True or total commitment
is only possible when embedded in the foundation of
humility. Total commitment has three
components. 1) Commitment to the marriage
itself. The the legal and/or covenantal aspect
of the marriage. 2) Commitment to
each other. Knowing each other needs,
language, desires, weakness and strengths.
3) Commitment to making the marriage work, grow and
happiness. This the intentional and
deliberate behavior by both individuals in the
relationship.
Love Is the Heat
Let me repeat it. Humility is the glue that binds romantic
partners together, and love is the heat that dries the glue
to make it difficult to fall apart. Commitment is the
golden thread of binds them together through thick
and thin. Let’s expand this.
When humility is absent, there is something painful that
replaces it. It is the antonym to humility—pride,
conceit. I can even add stubbornness, selfishness,
arrogance, laziness. The Marian Webster Dictionary expands
further on the antonym to pride with these words:
Cockiness, overconfidence, impudence, boastfulness,
chest-thumping, self-applause, self-assumption,
self-centeredness, self-complacency, self-conceit,
self-glorification. You should have gotten the point by
now.
Here is why I describe love as the “heat” that dries the
“glue” (humility) in relationships. Humility is an
attitude and love is the behavior. Marriage coach, Mort
Fertel, states in his book, “Marriage Fitness,” “Every
marriage has problems, issues, and challenges. But in every
instance the solution is the same. The solution is love!”
This kind of love means the following:
1.
Loving unconditionally
2.
Loving non-judgmentally
3.
Loving with understanding
4.
Loving with total acceptance
5.
Loving with total commitment
Humility allows an individual in a relationship to
unquestionably do these five things.
Pride:
The Number One Reason Relationships Break up
This brings me to my second discovery. I discovered that
the Number One reason relationships (marriage, engaged,
partnering relationships) break up, as inferred earlier, is
pride, or one can use the words stubbornness,
selfishness, and apathy. What stands out boldly during my
research is that 85% of relationships ended, not because of
a specific behavior or activity like adultery, smoking,
drinking, gambling, flirting, staying out late at nights,
but the relationships ended because of an attitude of pride,
stubbornness, selfishness, apathy, and traditionalism. In
other words, it is the refusal of the guilty party to admit
wrong, change, adjust, listen with understanding and to
intelligently evaluate, without prejudice, one’s views or
behavior and how it is impacting the relationship. What
prevents the guilty partner from doing this?
Pride is always the foundation for the development of other
negative attitudes. Or one can say that stubbornness,
selfishness, apathy, and traditionalism are some of the ways
an individual demonstrates pride.
Traditionalism
What is traditionalism in this context? Traditionalism is
demonstrated when an individual holds on rigidly to a toxic
(or even non-toxic) belief or practice in the family or
church without thoughtful consideration for the specific
context, even though it is destroying the relationship. The
excuse is: “My mom and dad did this, so why can’t we do it?
Or, “That is what the Bible says—the wife must submit.” It
allows tradition to override common sense, cries for help,
pleas to stop or change. Traditionalism forces one to sit
“in a pot of boiling water and thinking he or she will not
get cooked.”
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"Traditionalism forces one to sit “in a
pot of boiling water and thinking he or
she will not get cooked.”
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Seeking to explore my hypothesis, I did a deeper research
and identified a sample of 1000 couples from my pool of
couples. After reviewing the facts, the findings were that
85 percent of partners ended the relationship because the
other partner refused to change a negative behavior. The
complaint was always that the partner would not listen,
admit wrong, was stubborn and proud. My research also
showed that this did not happen overnight. It took usually
several years of complaining; in some cases, five years, and
in others, up to 25 years or more. The complaints were
often about very serious problems like multiple
unfaithfulness, violent fights, or the innocent partner
contracting a sexually- transmitted disease. Some of these
partners were over time driven to depression.
One dynamic that drove me to look deeper into this topic is
hearing about the difficulties my clients were having in
finding grounds for divorce—even in very painful
relationships (In The Bahamas). In The Bahamas, the actual
grounds for divorce make the divorce process or the need to
separate from one’s partner very painful and difficult.
Thus, some individuals have to remain in the pain or seek
ways to get out of the marriage without breaking the law.
My research shows, as stated earlier, that what causes the
most pain in a relationship that leads to a permanent
breakdown of the relationship cannot be measured by the
legal reasons chosen for divorce. My interviews indicate
that many spouses realized that they had no legal grounds
for divorce although the marriage was toxic, and one needed
to get out of it. In the end, a skilled lawyer, after
examining the case, would suggest getting a divorce on the
grounds of cruelty.
[
SEE GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE IN SELECT COUNTRIES AROUND THE WORLD
]
This brings me to the legal grounds for divorce in The
Bahamas. Read carefully as I develop this point. The
grounds for divorce in The Bahamas are:
-
Adultery
-
Cruelty—mental, emotional or
physical
-
Desertion for two years (has
deserted the petitioner for a continuous period of at
least two years).
-
Separation for five years
(living separate and apart)
-
Homosexuality & Bestiality.
(Since the celebration of the marriage has been guilty
of a homosexual act, sodomy or has had sexual relations
with an animal)
Note carefully, from among these five grounds for divorce in
The Bahamas, cruelty has the highest number each
year. Here are a few examples from the statistics for
divorce for the years 1999 to 2009: Notice the figures in
the pink area under “C” which means emotional or physical
cruelty.
Legend:
A=Adultery C=Cruelty
D=Desertion
S=Separation
|
YEAR |
DIVORCE GRANTED |
DIVORCE FILED |
REASON FOR DIVORCE |
|
|
|
|
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1999 |
? |
408 |
A=76 / C=143 / D=69 / S=119 |
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2000 |
389 |
592 |
A=66 / C=131 / D=79 / S=113 |
|
2001 |
461 |
577 |
A=67 / C=173 / D=87 / S=128 |
|
2002 |
438 |
556 |
A=58 / C=177 / D=59 / S=129 |
|
2003 |
324 |
653 |
Breakdown not available |
|
2004 |
647 |
? |
Breakdown not available |
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2005 |
538 |
660 |
A=53 / C=214 / D=103 / S=140 / AD=16 / CD=7 |
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2006 |
326 |
716 |
A=75 / C=340 / D=135 / S=164 |
|
2007 |
266 |
665 |
A=83 / C=284 / D=81 / S=145 |
|
2008 |
191 |
695 |
A=64 / C=341 / D=116 / S=168 |
|
2009 |
65 |
603 |
A=85 / C=300 / D=84 / S=121 |
My research shows that each year the number of persons
divorcing on grounds of adultery was never more than 85
individuals out of the total number of divorce cases for one
year. However, cruelty was often twice or three times more
than adultery. Why is this the case? Because since our
legal grounds for divorce does not have a ground on “irreconcilable
difference”
or “broken
down irretrievably,
“the more likely legal grounds spouses are choosing are
“cruelty, separation, and desertion” even if adultery is
involved. Some spouses are forced not to file for divorce
right away, even though it is painful to remain in the
relationship, so they can qualify
on the grounds of desertion to separation. Sometimes this
waiting time can extend to a few more painful years being
connected to a spouse from whom one needs to be
disconnected.
Here’s the punch line of my findings: My research reveals
that the real reason the relationships have painfully
deteriorated to the point of emotional pain and frustration
is due to infliction of pride, stubbornness, and apathy from
one spouse to another. This is very, very serious, but it’s
not a ground for divorce in The Bahamas. Also, this is not
measured by the actual figures of the divorce but by looking
deep into each case and discovering the issues.
I am stating that the majority of individuals who got
divorced in The Bahamas on the grounds of cruelty did so
because of emotional exhaustion and pain due to years of
complaint and frustration caused by a spouse refusal to
change. No, I have not investigated the couples in the
national statistics on divorce. It is impossible. However,
I am inferring, based on my own findings from the 1,000
couples I mentioned and the on-going observations in my own
practice.
Is this similar in other countries? My observations and
research reveal that it is so. I have conducted marriage
seminars in St Maarten, Puerto Rico, Belize, England,
Michigan, Florida, and Jamaica; and anecdotally arrive at
the same conclusion. I have worked at an institution in
Benton Harbor, Michigan where I conducted a treatment
program for abusive individuals and observed the same
trend.
Further Support
for My Hypothesis
Here’s another source for my hypothesis. In 2013 I
developed the “Brennen’s Short Survey on Marital
Satisfaction” to use in my therapy sessions and at seminars
where I am asked to speak to couples. The purpose of the
survey is to simply ascertain the satisfaction or
dissatisfaction in the following areas: romance, time spent
together, intimacy and friendship. Here are the questions:
-
Indicate your satisfaction with the amount of
romance in your marriage.
-
Indicate your satisfaction with the amount of time
spent together doing fun things, dating, relaxing.
-
Indicate your satisfaction with the intimacy in your
marriage.
-
Indicate your satisfaction with the friendship in
your marriage.
The individual would select one of the following to indicate
his or her satisfaction in the marriage: Not satisfied,
Somewhat satisfied, Satisfied, Happy.
Over a period of five years, the accumulative results of
over 1,500 individuals revealed that
90% of individuals indicated
somewhat satisfied or
not satisfied to Questions 1 and 2 in the survey.
This is significant. The only exception was among
individuals married one year or less. The longer the
couples were married, the less satisfied they were in these
two areas.
What is even more significant is the results of my
exploration during the face-to-face interaction in therapy
sessions. I noticed that when an individual indicated
somewhat satisfied or not satisfied
to the first
two questions on romance and time spent together, there was
also evidence of repeat disregard of request for change in
behavior from one partner to the other. I also noticed
that when the complaints continued over years, the more the
years of complaint, the further apart emotionally the
individuals were from each other, and there was more
anguish, pain, and frustration in the marriage. Yet, none
of these are grounds for divorce in The Bahamas.
No Specific
Behavior Causes a Divorce
Here are the startling results of my observations. In the
majority of cases, the final reason for the
divorce
was not a specific behavior like adultery, flirting,
drinking, drugs, gambling, etc., even though the partner
might have admitted to any or all of these. As stated, it
was the refusal to listen to the complaints of the spouse,
change, admit wrong, etc. I am often surprised why wounded
spouses would stay together when multiple affairs have taken
place. The Number One factor is that the guilty partner was
willing to listen, change, and admit wrong. The guilty
party shredded the cloak of pride and selfishness and became
humble. The wounded partner stayed so long in the
relationship, although complaining often, because of a deep
and profound love for his or her partner.
Scenarios
Here are very serious and painful scenarios where troubled
couples, equipped with humility, fostered healing of the
relationship:
a) Both
partners had an adulterous relationship simultaneously.
b)
One spouse had multiple affairs.
c) The
wife contracted two sexually transmitted diseases due to the
husband’s unfaithfulness.
d)
The wife got pregnant for another
man.
e) The
wife got pregnant for another, while simultaneously the
husband got another woman pregnant.
f) The
wife found out her husband had a child with another woman
earlier in their marriage.
g)
A spouse stole large sums of
money from their own bank account.
The healing took place because the guilty partner was
willing to stop and evaluate the damaging behavior. The
guilty spouse suck in his or he pride and was humble enough
to admit wrong, vulnerability, or weakness. Also, the
so-called innocent spouse was able to take a deep,
introspective look at his or her own behavior to see what
part it played in the marital discord.
Here are a few very simple, and not so painful, but
easy-to-fix scenarios where usually one spouse is saturated
in pride, or stubbornness or arrogance, cause more pain and
even separation and divorce, because he or she refuses to
change these simple behaviors:
a) Husband
complains that his wife spends too much time each week
talking to her mother on the phone who lives alone on
another island. Here, the husband refuses to understand the
importance and need of his wife spending time on the phone
with her mother.
b) Spouse
does not want her husband to do lap dancing with another
woman in a strip club.
c) A
spouse constantly comes home too late after work.
d) A
spouse is concerned about the characters of her/his
partner’s friends.
e) Husband
complains about his wife’s girlfriends and the time she
spends with them, and the places they go at nights.
f) One
partner continues to smoke in the home or drink heavily,
causing serious medical problems to other family members;
for example: asthma, coughs, depression, etc.,
g) One
partner does not want the other partner to travel with him
or her to social outings, or overseas trips like Carnivals
in Trinidad or New Orleans, or Family Island regattas.
It is astonishing that these seemingly fixable problems are
the ones that lead many to the divorce court. The judge or
lawyer may not be aware of this, but one spouse is in pain
because of it. These are examples when pride takes control
and prevents change.
The Good Nagging
Wife
My final observation on this topic is the value of a good
nagging wife (husband). I know this sounds strange because
many like to quote the scripture found in Proverbs 27:17: “A
nagging wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a
rainstorm.” The text does not explain “why” the wife is
nagging.
Thus, here are my findings: When a husband says that his
wife is nagging, it means that she is always telling the
truth about something. Let me explain. Usually the wife
is daily, weekly, or otherwise repeating a request for her
husband to do something or stop doing something, and he does
not respond. Thus, to get around it and to throw blame, he
fights back with the word, “ you
are
nagging me,” or “stop nagging,” and he does not “obey” or
respond to his wife’s requests.
Some good nagging spouses “nag” about drinking habits,
gambling, coming home unusual hours after work, flirtatious
behavior, texting inappropriate messages to another person,
not enough time spent together, etc. He is too proud or
stubborn to listen to or admit that he must do what his wife
is asking him to do. A nagging spouse is usually a sign
that the marriage has a giant weakness that can be easily
repaired if the other partner would be humble and change.
"You Need to Be
More Submissive."
Here’s my last point. I’ve discovered that the
request from a husband to his wife to be submissive or he
complains with the words “You are not submissive enough,” is
a sure sign that the he is threatened by his wife’s
assertiveness. Usually these men believe that they are the
ones “in charge” and the wife must “obey,” or at least do
not question his points of view or “demands.” These men use
the Scriptures as a weapon to control and coerce their
spouses. They love to quote Ephesians 5:22: “Wives, submit
yourselves to your husbands. . . “ But they neglect to read
the verses above (Verse 21) that states “Submitting
yourselves on to another.”
My view is that not even once in a marriage should a
husband demand, request or refer to this passage when
arguing or disagreeing with his wife. It suggests that he
does not understand her rights and freedom to think, speak,
and have an opinion. It is very disrespectful and
controlling and dishonors the integrity of the relationship.
Husband who demand submission needs to learn how to be
submissive themselves first. They need to review their own
views of women. The request to “be more submissive” is a
shaming mechanism that demeans women and inflates the ego of
husbands. Husbands must understand this profound principle:
“If you want to receive understanding you must first give
understanding.” Should I also say: “If you want your wife to
submit you must first submit.” Dear husbands, I request of
you to rise up and submit to your wives.
Keep
this in mind. The Greek word found in Ephesians
that is translated "submit" (hupotassomai -
hoo-poh-TASS-oh-my) is a military word for a soldier who
actually stands on the side of another soldier of his equal.
It can also mean "to identify with." In that culture,
the wife was of no value. The Apostle Paul was
elevating the wife to the side of her husband as his equal.
"Wife, you are to indentify yourself to your husband. . .
Stand beside him as his equal, not behind him like a
servant." (Brennen)
Conclusion
We have to fight for our marriage. It must not be a
one-sided fight. Both individuals must participate and be
willing listen to the pain and complaint of his or her
partner. In this article, I am proposing that pride,
stubbornness, apathy, or arrogance would be the real reasons
a partner does not change and marital break up is
inevitable. I encourage couples to seek humility, the glue
that binds spouses together. And to show love that provides
the heat that dries the glue so the relationship will hold
fast.
Barrington H. Brennen, MA, NCP, BCCP, a marriage and family
therapist and board certified clinical psychotherapist, USA.
Send your questions or comments to
barringtonbrennen@gmail.com or write to P.O. Box
CB-11045, Nassau, The Bahamas, or visit
www.soencouragement.org or call 242-327-1980
