What is the difference between love and infatuation? Some
argue that infatuation is a very bad thing. Other say all
you need is love. I will attempt to clear up that
confusion. In this article when I mention the word “love”
I am referring to “true love.” That is love that is
demonstrated with total commitment, understanding and
reasoning. With this in mind, I will share about the
difference between infatuation and love.
Infatuation is good. Yes, it is really good. More that
ninety-five percent of all relationships begin with
infatuations. Infatuation is that first instance when you
like what to see. Love is also good. True love is
eternally good, but relationships do not start on true
love. Some think they are truly in love, but they are
not. True love comes after knowledge. I can also say that
true love comes with the interest to truly get to know the
other person. Infatuation starts without knowledge and is
not interested in knowing more. However, is good only
because it gets things started. But don’t get
excited. Read further. Infatuation is the “blast off” in a
relationship but it has no fuel to keep the engine of the
relationship going. Love is the fuel that takes over the
relationship.
If you keep the relationship riding on infatuation you will
burn up the engine. To put it simply, infatuation is needed
only to start with. Love is needed to live with.
Infatuation is “I like what I see.” Love is “I see what I
like.” With infatuation there is no indebt evaluation of
character. There is little or no reasoning. With love
there is a reasoning and thinking process that facilitates
the decision to be in love. To repeat, infatuation is “I
like what I see.” However, Love is “I know what I see is
for me because I have taken the time to thoroughly know the
person and to think about the decision.”
Infatuation is a short-lived passion for someone. Love is a
deep affection for someone that lasts the test of
time. Infatuation can be dangerous because one can be
easily fooled that he or she is in love. One author states
that “The problem is that infatuation is a powerful feeling
that can make you think you are in love. . . Infatuation is
a wolf in sheep's clothing. It sneaks into your relationship
and makes you think you've met the one, only to have things
blow up in your face before your romance has even gotten off
the ground. And that's because infatuation is just a
fantasy. Love is a reality.” It is so easily to be fooled
with infatuation because it feels real, but it is not. This
is especially true for persons who are desperate for a
“lover.” They can be so easily blinded by the need to find
a mate that they will not notice the grave flaws in the
person or the flaws in their own life that can cripple the
relationship.
In the online article “Infatuation vs. Love,” a social
scientist states that “Infatuation is an all-consuming
euphoria similar to recreational drug use (addictive
chemical reactions in the brain), stupidity (cupidity/greed/lust).
It can cause one to risk everything for the next hit of
adrenalin.” This is serious. Infatuation is so powerful it
can put someone in a serious state of jubilation that it
ignores rational thinking.
Here’s what is commonly known about infatuation and
love. Infatuation is when you find someone who is
absolutely perfect. Love is when you realize that he or
she is not perfect and it doesn’t matter.” Here is a
fundamental reason why this is true: True love has
principles that impact feelings. However, infatuation has no
feelings and feelings cannot reason. The traditional way
of saying it is that “love is a principle.” This is true,
but many cannot articulate what this means. This is why is
say that true love HAS principles that impact
feelings. These principles are kindness, gentleness,
patience, humility, unconditional acceptance, unconditional
loving, tolerance, dose not cause pain, is not rude, fair
and just (1 Corinthians 13:4-6). If there is one principle
of love that stands out it is patience. Love takes the
time. It can wait and knows that it must wait. Infatuation
cannot wait and does not want to wait. It is impulsive and
inpatient and thinks it knows everything but knows nothing.
Let’s dig a little deeper. How can you know you are
infatuated? What are the symptoms of infatuation? One
author gives the following as the symptoms of infatuation:
“Urgency, intensity, sexual desire, anxiety, high risk
choices, reckless abandonment of what was once
valued.” Joseph Muvla in his blog entitled “The Seven
Symptoms of Infatuation” state the following symptoms:
impatience, selfishness, sudden withdrawal, sexual demands,
abnormal jealously, suspicion and easily taking offence.
Let me share his explanation of just one of these symptoms
that I am sure will find most interesting—sexual
demands. “Infatuation never respects the will of another
person. In fact, a strong urge to have sex with the person
whom you have just met is one of the major symptoms of
infatuation. It comes from a strange attraction to the
outward appearance of the person. In fact, infatuation is
one of the signs that you could be under the control of the
spirit of lust. When infatuated, you may have this want to
have sex with the person and you will get very emotionally
hurt if the person says no.”
With this understanding about love and infatuation it
exposes an important question. At what age should you love
someone so that it will lead to a life-long
relationship--marriage? It is clear to me that a teenager’s
mind is not ready for true love. A teenage mind is one that
is more apt to infatuation. Why do I say this? In an
article I wrote in 2008 entitled “Teenagers, Violence, and
Culpability” I sited from a research done by the Juvenile
Justice Center (USA) on brain development in
teenagers. Here is: “The scientists, to their surprise,
discovered that the teenage brain undergoes an intense
overproduction of gray matter (the brain tissue that does
the “thinking”). Then a period of “pruning” takes over,
during which the brain discards gray matter at a rapid rate
. . . This process is similar to pruning a tree: Cutting
back branches stimulates health and growth. This continues
into the early 20s.” The
article goes on to say: “The evidence now is strong that the
brain does not cease to mature until the early 20s in those
relevant parts that govern impulsivity, judgment, planning
for the future, foresight of consequences, and other
characteristics that make people morally culpable. . . .”
Loving is a very serious matter and the teenager’s brain is
not wired with the ability to make a permanent decision for
loving someone. Although one can be infatuated at any age,
this the only thing a teenager can do. It is true that a
teenager can know that he or she is “in love” and be very
serious about it. However, the teenager is not matured
enough to evaluate feelings or does not have the equipment
to be able to fully reason about making a decision about a
life-long love mate. Are you in love or are you infatuated?
Barrington H. Brennen, MA, NCP, BCCP a marriage and family
therapist
Send your questions or comments to barringtonbrennen@gmail.com
or write to P.O. Box CB-11045, Nassau, The Bahamas, or
visit www.soencouragement.org
or call 242-327-1980
