- Romantic Partner Sexual Assault,
Myth or Reality
- Formally titled Marital Rape, Myth
or Reality
- By Barrington H. Brennen, November 18, 2004, 2022
VIDEOS
The title of this article
was change to remove the concept that rape in
marriage is not possible or that there is something
unique about rape within a marriage compared to
other rapes.
Is it possible for a married man to rape his wife? Yes. As
one author states, "Even if a woman has had consensual sex with someone
in the past, that person can rape her if he forces her to have sex when she
does not want to. Anytime a man has sex with his wife with the use of fear and
coercion, it is rape." In The Bahamas, if a couple is legally separated,
in the process of seeking legal separation, or divorced, the husband can be
charged with marital rape if he sexually forces himself on his estranged wife.
However, there is no protection for the thousands of wives or husbands who are
not separated or estranged from their spouses and appear to be living
in a "normal" relationship, but who in their homes, are being
sexually coerced and traumatized.
It seems that when the topic of marital rape is brought up,
it causes a passionate flow of religious juices to start, especially among
miss-informed Christian men. To support their notion that husbands cannot rape
their wives, they quickly refer to Biblical passages such as 1 Corinthians
7:3-5:
"The husband should fulfill his
marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The
wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the
same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his
wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and
for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come
together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of
self-control."
This text is being used to support some men’s erroneous
views that in no way can a wife tell her husband "not tonight
honey." They say that the husband has the God-given right to just
"take it," in spite of her feelings, sickness, or disagreements.
These men need to realize that this text is simply speaking to the natural
sexual role of spouses in healthy, mutually supportive relationships. Paul was
reminding God’s people of his day about the meaning and purpose of the
sexual relationship in marriage because there were many unsound teachings
among them about sex and marriage. Greek philosophy infiltrated the teachings
an minds of the new Christian believers, causing them to question God and the
roles of men and women in relationships.
Here are some of the erroneous teachings that influenced
their lives. Socrates (469-399 BC) taught that "Being born a woman is a
divine punishment, since a woman is halfway between a man and an animal"
(Bristow) (Plato, Timaeus, Baltimore: Penguin, 1965). He also taught that
"the difference between a husband and wife is like that of a man’s soul
and his body. The man is to his wife as a soul to the physical body, meant to
command and guide arms and legs with wisdom and intelligence." These
teachings affected the way men treated women and legislation about the role of
women in society and home.
During the times of the Apostle Paul, it was the belief and
practice among the Romans, Corinthians, and Ephesians, that women were only
sexual property. Her only role was to bear children for her husband. Therefore
men would have other partners, sometime boys, for sexual enjoyment. Women had
very little rights if any. They were no more valuable than the domestic pet on
the outside of the house. They were not allowed to go to school. They had no
power to vote or make decisions in the community. They could not testify in
court. They could not appear in public venues. They were not allowed to talk
to strangers. These laws and practices were based solely on Greek Philosophy
and not Biblical teachings. Today, unfortunately, these practices are being
supported by so-called Christian teachings. This is certainly a modern-day
dilemma.
Paul was doing his best to bring women back to the Edenic
plan of equality. When he said "the woman’s body belongs to the
man," I am sure it rang a loud cheer among the men. However, they did not
expect Paul to say "and the husband’s body belongs to the wife."
That was contrary to their teachings and practices. Isn’t it amazing that
the very Bible passages that were designed to free women from the clutches of
inferiority, male intimidation, and manipulation are being used today to
"keep women in their places?" What is your pastor teaching you from
the pulpit?
Men and so-called spiritual leaders who support the
diabolical teachings that men cannot rape their wives need to read very
slowly, saturating their minds with the words of 1 Corinthians 13:4-6:
(The
New Living Translation)
"Love is patient and kind. Love is not
jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its
own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been
wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices
whenever the truth wins out."
- THE CHRISTIAN PARADOX
- Isn’t it amazing that the greatest misunderstanding about marital
rape is not among the secular-minded or non-Christians, but among those
who call themselves God-fearing and born-again Bible-believing men? Note
carefully that the confusion is not from secular or Christian women,
because they know quite well, from experience or just from the fact of
being women, that rape is not exclusive to non-married individuals. It
is even more shocking to think that Christians would prevent legislation
being passed that would protect the God-given rights of women (or men)
to choose.
LOVING HUSBANDS NEED NOT FEAR
Men, there is no need to fear. If you are having a loving,
understanding, caring and mutually supportive relationship with your
wives, then you are not in the category of marital rapists. You are not
controlled by your passion, greed for power, and obsession to have sex.
All of your sexual experiences with your wives are spontaneous,
reciprocal, and of mutual consent. You appreciate and understand their
emotional, psychological and physical makeup. More importantly, you
value their right to choose.
REALITY AND NOT A MYTH
In The Bahamas the statistics are alarming. In the past three decades,
more than 3,000 cases of sexual violence against women and children were
reported in Nassau alone. In 2003, 127 victims of sexual assault were
referred to the Crisis Center. Thousands more hurting women are afraid
to report to the police that their husbands raped them. Who would
believe them? In my private practice, I often meet wives who share their
pain because their husbands coerce them into sex. Many wives made
statements like this one: "My husband does not care when I say no
or I am not ready or able to have sex. He just goes ahead, forcing me,
hurting me, fulfilling his passion. When it’s all over, I feel dirty,
used, and abused." Many wives, after being forced to have sex,
rushed to the shower, spending sometimes almost an hour trying to wash
away the "dirt." Some stay in the shower with the water
running just to mask the sobs and cries of their hurting heart. I have
met too many wives who became infected with sexually transmitted
diseases from their husbands who behaved as though it was the
"duty" of their wives to have sex with them, even when they
committed adultery.
IT’S ALL ABOUT POWER
It’s imperative to understand that I have never met a wife who had a
loving understanding husband rape her. Rape is not about sex. It’s
about power and control. Generally, men who rape are married or have
multiple sexual partners. Men who rape their partners are not being
overpowered by testosterone, but by their insatiable and evil need to
control and be in charge. When their wives say no, they feel that their
alleged power position is being threatened. Therefore, to show their
authority in the marriage, they demand and force themselves on their
wives. Too many bedrooms are darkened, not with romantic candle light,
but with the pain of self-gratification, intimidation, and coercion.
WIVES WHO USE SEX TO HURT
Do some wives withhold sex from their husbands to intimidate and hurt
them? Yes. Are there wives whose sexual drives are so low that they very
seldom make love with their husbands? Yes. However, these reasons do not
constitute a license for husbands to rape their wives. I have counseled
husbands who were not sexually satisfied in their marriage, but who have
never raped their wives. Return next week as we seek to answer these
questions and dig deeper into this topic.
See article: "My
Husband Raped" A true story.
Send your questions to P.O.
Box CB-11045, Nassau, Bahamas; or email
question@soencouragememt.org
Or call 242 327 1980 or visit the website
www.soencouragement.org
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