Marriage is a Public Affair
By
Barrington H. Brennen, January 2, 2018
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In
recent weeks, a few statements have been made and discussed
in the public and private halls and on talk shows that I
cannot escape responding to. They are misleading and
demeaning statements that devalue personhood and the
integrity of marital relationships and diminish personal
accountability. The statements are: “Marriage is a
private affair,” “Scantily dressed girls invite
attack,” and “A husband cannot rape his wife.”
First, as a male, I must speak out on behalf of our equal
partner-females. The strongest voices against such
misinformation must be the voices of men themselves. The
women must know that we honor and value them as our equal.
Second, as a writer and counseling psychologist, I will be
remised to ignore the dangerous impact of such ill-informed
statements.
For generations our society has become
crippled by the ill teachings that are heard from pulpits
during the weekends or lauded on talk shows, and the
maladaptive behaviors that are transmitted through
generations in the name of tradition or in some cases, “true
religion.”
"MARRIAGE IS A PRIVATE AFFAIR"
I’ve read it in the newspapers and online on Facebook, and I
heard it on radio talk shows that marriage is a private
affair. It is evident to me that the speakers/writers are
not aware of the meaning and purpose of marriage and
national protocols, policies and statutes that give married
partners rights and privileges in a society. Let me first
state here that marriage is not a private affair. It is
clearly a public affair. I believe what the people might
be meaning that marriage is a “personal affair” but
certainly not private. I wonder if they understand what
they are saying. Sadly, the statement is being used to
respond to an issue that is
painful and difficult for some
to understand. Hence, they are implying that we should
leave it alone because it is none of our business. This is
a re-victimizing of the victim of rape.
True, the privacy of marriage is that a person is free,
without undue interference, to select his or her own mate.
If one is in a happy marriage, there is no issue about
behavior and treatment of individuals. On the other hand,
there are laws to respond to a husband who locks his wife
out of the home, or a wife who steals money, or a husband
who abuses children. Perhaps with this understanding it is
fair to say that marriage is both private and public. The
law reaches, regulates, and penalizes an individual when
his/her behavior compromises the well-being of other
individuals in a private or public setting.
In
The Bahamas, as in all civilized countries, marriage is a
recognized social institution governed by laws or
statutes. One cannot get married without the permission
and regulations of the state. (For example, polygamy is not
lawful.) Therefore, there is the Marriage Registry in our
country. The names of all couples who get married in The
Bahamas are listed in the Marriage Registry, and it is
available to the public to view. Even record of divorces
are available to the public and can be read by any citizen
of The Bahamas. Legally, there is no secret marriage or
secret divorce.
The
Marriage Act of The Bahamas in Article 17 states:
“In every case of persons residing in The Bahamas
intending that a marriage shall be solemnized
between them under the authority of a registrar’s
certificate of notice, each of such persons shall on
or about the same date give notice (making the
declaration therein contained) of the intended
marriage to the registrar in whose district he or
she has respectively resided for a period of not
less than fifteen clear days before the giving of
such notice . . .”
Also note carefully these lines in Article 23:
“Provided that every such marriage shall be
solemnized in the presence of a marriage officer and
of two credible witnesses between the hours of six
o’clock in the morning and eight o’clock in the
evening with open doors . . .”
Note “with open door” indicating that the ceremony is public
and not private. As stated earlier, although my choice of
whom I marry is my private decision to a certain extent, it
is important to understand there is no room in one’s private
home that is out of bounds of the Law, the Department of
Social Services, and the Police when individual rights are
violated. This includes physical and emotional abuse, rape
of a wife, husband, or child by anyone living in that
private home. Rape by a husband of his wife is a violent
act. It is not sexual. It is all about power and control.
That cannot be private.
"SCANTILY DRESSED GIRLS INVITE ATTACK"
Is
it true that scantily dressed girls invite attack?
Certainly not. It is best to tell men to guard their minds
despite the dress. Most of us do get sexually aroused by
looking at someone naked, scantily or attractively dressed.
However, no form of dress is a reason or excuse to violate
the rights of another person. One might get aroused, but
arousal does not dictate behavior.
No
man can say: “She made me do it;” or “if she was dressed
differently, I would not have done it.” What “made” him do
it was the need to control, anger, selfishness, and perhaps
a poor concept of who he is. Yes, ideally, females or males
should dress decently. However, personal accountability
and responsibility must be the dictators of our mind and
heart.
If
a man is so influenced by a scantily dressed woman, then he
is no better than a dog on heat. He is a slave to his baser
passion. He is not fit to be in civil society. With this
perverted view, we are blaming and hurting the victim and
pacifying the rapist instead of holding him totally
accountable for his depraved actions. In a 2014 CNN article
by Carol Costello entitled: “Sexy clothes don't excuse
sexual violence,” she states: “The average rapist is a
violent criminal who craves complete power over his victim.
Sometimes he gets a sexual charge out of it and sometimes he
doesn't. And it has little to do with what a woman looks
like and everything to do with violent, criminal
tendencies.”
Dear readers, this article is not about modesty in dress,
nudity or that women should not dress in skimpy clothing.
This article is about personal discipline and
responsibility. Men must learn to keep their hands off
women, to extract their mind from the gutter, and to
exercise restraint and complete control over their perverted
and criminal tendencies and baser passions. If they cannot
achieve this, they must seek professional help.
"A HUSBAND CANNOT RAPE HIS WIFE"
It
is certainly untrue that a husband cannot rape his wife. We
know of husbands who have murdered their wives. Thus, what
makes it impossible for him to rape her. I have heard some
women say that “my husband cannot rape me.” They seem to
believe that the meaning and purpose of marriage eliminates
the possibility of a man becoming violent towards his
wife. It is true that many husbands are loving, caring,
and
compassionate and WILL NOT rape their wives. It is not
that they CANNOT rape. Remember rape is not about sex. It
is about power and control. If a man has a poor view of his
wife and thinks of her as his sexual property and he is in
charge or her, then there is a greater risk that he will
rape her.
One
author writes: “A man who physically forces any woman,
whether or not he is married to her, to have sex against her
will, is committing an act of rape. A man who forces his
wife to have sex is violating the Biblical principles
regarding the marriage covenant.”
1
Corinthians 13:4-6 provides us with the answer how husband
(and wives) are to behave:
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or
boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand
its own way. It is not irritable, and it
keeps no record of being wronged. It does not
rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the
truth wins out.”
There are men who at times force their wives to have sex
with them. My article last week was about a story of a
husband who was raped his wife. I can give countless other
stories of husbands who raped their wives. Some people do
not like the term “marital rape.” The term “marital rape”
is a colloquial one. The official law is the Sexual Offences
Act. Anybody who thinks that a man cannot rape his wife is
not living in the reality. Rape is not a sexual encounter
gone bad. It is an act of rage. It is about anger, misuse,
and abuse of power and control.
In
2004 I wrote this on the topic: “Isn’t it amazing that the
greatest misunderstanding about marital rape is not among
the secular-minded or non-Christians, but among those who
call themselves God-fearing and born-again Bible-believing
men? Note carefully that the confusion is not from secular
or most Christian women, because they know quite well, from
experience or just from the fact of being women, that rape
is not exclusive to non-married individuals. It is even more
shocking to think that Christians, pastors, and religious
leaders would prevent legislation being passed that would
protect the rights of women (or men) to choose. . . Men,
there is no need to fear.
If
you are having a loving, understanding, caring, and mutually
supportive relationship with your wives, then you are not in
the category of marital rapists. All your sexual encounters
are by mutual consent. You appreciate and understand their
emotional, psychological and physical makeup. More
importantly, you value their right to choose.” If you are a
marital rapist, then due process under the law will take
place. Your rights and the rights of your spouse will be
equally protected, but you will be held accountable and
penalized for your criminal behavior. This is justice.
Barrington H. Brennen, MA, NCP, BCCP,
a marriage and family therapist and board certified clinical
psychotherapist, USA. Send your questions or comments to
barringtonbrennen@gmail.com
or write to P.O. Box CB-13019, Nassau, The Bahamas, or visit
www.soencouragement.org
or call 242-327-1980
