The
Relationship Between Mental Health
And Resilience in Marriage and Family
Barrington H. Brennen, MA, NCP, BCCP, JP,
April 4, 2023
PDF FORMAT
This is a presentation given Tuesday,
April 4, 2023, for the Kenneth Morgan Inaugural
Symposium, Northern Caribbean University,
Jamaica. The theme: "Resilience,
Recovery and Renewal in Mental Health in the
Post COVID-19 Pandemic Era.”
I am going to share briefly on the topic of
resilience and mental health,
perhaps from another
perspective. Since COVID19 began about three
years ago, the topic of resilience has
become more popular, although it has been a
part of mental health for decades.
I do note, that although millions were
impacted negatively by COVID19, yet research
tells us that millions more, under the same
circumstance, responded more positively. Why
is this? It is so because they were
resilient.
Having Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as
my theoretical orientation and being a
Marriage and Family Therapist, I cannot
resist looking at the topic of resilience
through the eyes of marriage, parenting, and
family. These experiences encompass all of
our lives in some way.
Resilience: The American Psychological
Association states: “Resilience is the
process and outcome of successfully adapting
to difficult or challenging life
experiences, especially through mental,
emotional, and behavioral flexibility and
adjustment to external and internal demands.
A number of factors contribute to how well
people adapt to adversities, predominant
among them:
• the ways in which individuals view
and engage with the world.
• the availability and quality of
social resources
• specific coping strategies.
Psychological research demonstrates that the
resources and skills associated with more
positive adaptation (i.e., greater
resilience) can be cultivated and
practiced.”
Here is what psychologist Catherine More
states in her article “Resilience Theory: A
Summary of the Research: “When we face
adversity, misfortune, or frustration,
resilience helps us bounce back. It helps us
survive, recover, and even thrive in the
face and wake of misfortune, but that’s not
all there is to it.”
“Resilience can help protect you from
various mental health conditions, such as
depression and anxiety. Resilience can also
help offset factors that increase the risk
of mental health conditions, such as being
bullied or previous trauma.”
Follow me closely as I walk through this
topic through the eyes of marriage,
parenting, and family.
In one of my seminars titled, “Keeping it
hot during the tough times,” I present this
concept: “If tragedy strikes before
compassion is activated, your marriage is in
trouble. . . If there is very little or no
compassion, understanding, openness,
sharing, holding each other, loving, or
cuddling, then there is a greater chance
that the unexpected will strike you out.”
To put it in simpler terms, when a major car
accident leaves a spouse crippled, or a
partner is fired from the job, or a wife
discovers she has breast cancer, or a
husband has a heart attack, and there is
very little or no compassion, empathy, or
unconditional loving in the relationship,
then resilience is very difficult to attain.
This is no bouncing back. Note again that
“resilience is the process and outcome of
successfully adapting to difficult or
challenging life experiences.”
I am suggesting that at the core,
resilience, bouncing back, or adapting is
not possible in families and marriages if
the following are not in place before
tragedy strikes:
• Unconditional acceptance
• Unconditional loving
• A spirit of forgiveness
• Warmth
• Creative ways of loving and caring
for each other
• Equalitarian perspective on roles
• Flexibility
I can’t help but refer to one of my quotes
about a myth of marriage and why many are
not prepared when tragedy strikes.
“Many behave as though marriage is a bed
of roses. Marriage is not just a bed of
roses. There are more things in the bed
than roses. What makes a rose plant
special are the thorns on the stem. You
cannot hold the rose without holding the
stem.”
In other words, healthy couples are those
who have the tools previously mentioned and
are able to deal with the thorns, thus
turning tragedy into opportunity to grow.
This is what resilience means in marriage
and family.
Here’s another way of looking at it. The
rose petals will fade and dry up (tragedy or
pain in our lives). Here’s how I put it to
demonstrate resilience. “The dry
petals (the tragedies or pain in a
relationship) can be used to make a
beautifully scented potpourri that can fill
a home with sweet-smelling aroma.”
When there is resilience, the pain become
growing opportunities. Relationships that
have a better change of bouncing back after
a tragedy, are those built with the tools
aforementioned: unconditional acceptance,
unconditional loving, a spirit of
forgiveness, warmth, creative ways of loving
and caring for each other, equalitarian
perspective on roles, flexibility. They know
how to use the “dry petals.” That’s
resilience.
Here is another perspective from an
outstanding marriage fitness coach, Mort
Fertel. He writes about the meaning of true
love in relationships and what that true
love does. Resilience is reflected in these
sentences:
“True love is not about
compatibility; it’s about making a
core connection . . . The challenge
is to see past the externalities to
the soul of the matter. This is
where love happens, and this is
where a marriage is protected from
change. . . Connect at your cores,
and you can change careers,
hairstyles, hobbies, interests,
friends, favorite restaurants, and
fashion preferences. Through all
your changes, your love will last.”
For me, this connection he talks about is
established by incorporating those tools I
mentioned twice already that facilitate
resilience.
I will now look at resilience through the
perspective of parenting and one practice
that can set children up to become weak
adults. This is about second-guessing.
Now you are wondering what second guessing
has to do with resilience.
First, what is second-guessing? One
answer is this: “To question or
criticize actions or decisions of (someone)
often after the results of those actions or
decisions are known.”
Here’s another: “Second-guessing oneself is
a form of insecurity, anxiety and lack of
self-confidence about whether you have made
the right decision or not.”
Let me demonstrate how parents sow doubt
through second guessing that leads to
anxiety, fretting, worry, low self-esteem,
and self-doubt, which can make resilience
difficult. A mother asks her five-year-old
daughter to go and close the back door. The
child goes and closes the back door. A few
minutes later the mother ask, “Sally, did
you close the back door?” The daughter says,
“Yes Mom.” Then the mother responds, “Are
you sure you did.” Go and check and make
sure you did close the door.” This form of
questioning becomes a norm between mother
and daughter.
As she grows, she begins to seriously doubt
her ability to make life-long decisions. She
always questions herself? Second-guessing
herself becomes a part of her life. Thus
resilience (bouncing back) from tough times
or tragedy becomes challenging. During
COVID19 there was a lot of second-guessing.
I had a male client who cancelled getting
married twice, each time two weeks before
the wedding day. When I explored deeper, he
shared that he grew up with his grandmother
and from a little boy, she constantly
questioned his personal decisions or when he
did something she asked him to do. Each time
she would ask: “Did you really do what I
said?” and other such statement.
Let me share with you a letter I received
from a 15-year-old client who gave
permission to share it. She came to
counseling because she had years of anxiety
and needed to deal with it. She is brilliant
and doing well in school. When examined
closely, it became clear that from a young
age, her mother also taught her to doubt her
actions or decisions. She was being crippled
by second-guessing. Today, at age fifteen,
each time she has to do something,
especially in front of the school class, she
doubts her ability to do it. She has
restrained herself from showing anxiety.
After doing the task, she runs to the
bathroom to quiet her anxiety.
Here are few paragraphs from the letter she
gave me:
"Today was the day I found out how
abnormal it is for people to feel so
numb. The evening breeze blowing
through my hair, raindrops falling
so silently during the night.
Sleepless nights after a rough day.
Reckless decisions being made after
people shut me out. It all comes
down to one conclusion. I’ve been
through enough stress to the point
where it’s hard to find my normal
self again. What’s my normal
self-doing being hidden? See the
thing is it’s hard to let things
(people) go no matter how many fake
smiles it takes.
I’ve learned that mentally it hurts
like hell, but physically it only
burns for a while. Meanwhile you are
being scolded for life. The more you
continue letting people bring you
down, the more people will think of
you as weak and hurt you even more.
You might think you’re doing the
right thing, but there comes a time
when you’re letting the people you
hate the most or trusted the most
beat you down.
The more you think about it,
everything becomes slow and
unexpected. People leave you
repeatedly until you realize that
you’re a nobody. You get
misunderstood by your actions. Some
people can think you are suicidal,
and others may think you are just
hurt mentally and physically…
Someone once said to me that no one
understands me; you don’t even get
me. I kept that in. It stings just
thinking about it, no matter how
much you try to bring happiness to
others, you mess up. “Am I just a
simple mistake huh?” I thought to
myself repeatedly, those words mean
something till this day but what’s
there to change that?”
Here’s my last perspective on resilience.
Just this weekend I spoke at a church in
The Bahamas on the topic, “Mental Health and
Spiritual Wellness.” I did my best to show
how mental health impacts spiritual wellness
and spiritual wellness impacts mental health
and resilience. Spirituality is what gives
you a sense of value and purpose in life.
What’s the difference between spirituality
and being religious? Psychologist Dr. Dan
Brennan states: “Contrary to what many
people might think, spirituality and
religion are not the same. But they are
linked. You can be spiritual without
belonging to a specific religion. Religious
people follow a particular faith and may be
connected with specific groups or
traditions.” So isn’t this saying that being
religious does not in itself make one
spiritual. . . Spirituality can help you
deal with stress by giving you a sense of
peace, purpose, and forgiveness. It often
becomes more important in times of emotional
stress or illness.”
A point I stressed is that when one is
religious (following a set of rules and
practices) without being spiritual (the
capacity to deepen connections with other
people; experiencing compassion and empathy
for others), there is a greater chance of
becoming a religious fanatic or not being
able to bounce back during tough times
because one must follow strict rules. The
end results are depression, confusion,
disillusionment, etc.
Let’s make real applications here. I am
going to share with you a few scenarios, to
help you understand how we can cause
emotionally and spiritually well persons to
lose hope and become physically or
emotionally ill and stifle resilience:
-
Your 32-year-old daughter is living with
you at home. She has completed college.
She has a good job, car, bank account,
and is a part of Adventist Community
Services and Rotary Club. She is an
active Adventist and enjoys singing in
the choir. The Problem: The parents
constantly ask her: “Where have you
been? Why did you come home late? Why
did I not see you in Church yesterday?
Who was that man you were with? These
kinds of questions make her feel like
she is not being respected as an adult.
She soon begins to doubt herself and her
faith. Then she becomes depressed until
she is able to break free from the cause
of this pain—her parents.
-
You believe your fourteen-year-old son
who sings in the church choir and loves
to pray has homosexual tendencies. You
ask him about it, and he confesses. Then
the torment begins. You feel it is your
spiritual duty to keep him on the
“straight and narrow,” so you start with
a barrage of threats: “You are going to
hell. It is an abomination. When you
become 18 years old you are out of this
house, and I do not want to see you
again.” These statements can lead him to
become depressed, have suicidal
thoughts, and withdraw from the world.
-
Your 18-year-old daughter, in the final
grade of high school has a boyfriend.
You told her from a small child that
school and romance do not go together.
You stressed to her that she is to have
no romantic relationships. Now you find
out that she likes a 21-year-old young
man. You also find out that he is a
Rasta and smokes marijuana. Then the
threats, put downs, and shaming begin.
The daughter starts sneaking out at
nights. “If you bring that dirty, stupid
boy home to this house you will regret
it.” This beautiful daughter who sings
in the choir, and enjoys listening to
Dr. Michael Toote on Sabbaths, now is
not enthusiastic about coming to church.
The taunts and shame continue.
Eventually she becomes depressed. Her
self-esteem lowers and she thinks about
suicide.
In all three of these cases, the persons are
connected to Jesus and are happy church
goers (initially). Their feelings for the
church and spirituality begin to change
because of how they are being treated. They
lose hope and inspiration. The treatment
impacts their cognitive ability. They become
depressed. Their eating habits are changed.
Their interest in church activities is
diminished. In other words, their mental and
spiritual health starts to weaken. Thus,
their physical health is impacted.
These are just some of the stupid things
parents do to drive their children crazy. In
all three of these cases, the parents are
more concerned about their status and
reputation in the church and community than
the wellbeing of the child.
Here are better approaches:
“Dear child (son or daughter), I have a
few concerns about the choices you are
making. I want to keep the door of
communication open between us. I want
you know that I do love you and want the
best for you. I notice you are staying
up late at night on the phone talking to
a man. That concerns me and I notice it
is impacting your grades. I would like
to meet him. Invite him to our home next
Saturday night with three other teens so
I can meet him.”
Or to the son, “I’ve noticed that your
behavior is changing to become more like
a girl. How long have you been feeling
this way? What do you want me to
understand about your feelings? I want
you to feel comfortable to talk with me
at any time.”
Did you notice the connection between mental
health, spiritual wellness and resilience?
This brings me to the end of my
presentation. I am open for questions.
I hope my sharing today from a different
perspective on mental health and resilience
was helpful. I thank the organizers for
giving me the opportunity to share on the
topic. Have a good day.
