- Wounded Men
- Sex in the Forbidden Zone Part IV
- By Barrington H. Brennen, July 7, 2003,
2019
In my last article, I stated that many women who were wounded
emotionally, psychologically, or physically during their childhood or young
adulthood by significant others in their lives become vulnerable to male sexual
exploitation. In this article I will look at male woundedness that results in
their sexual exploitation of women.
Dr. Peter Rutter states: "Masculine woundedness is an
elusive but absolutely crucial ingredient in the fatal conspiracy between men
and women that leads to exploitative sex. The wounds of men remain hidden behind
a vast cloud of masculine erotic fantasy and folklore that organizes itself
around the masculine myth of women, including their sexual availability."
- WOUNDS FROM CULTURE
- Fantasy plays a major role in men who exploit women. "Every act of
sexual exploitation between a man and a woman has been shaped and
nourished by countless hours of masculine sexual fantasy. . . A man’s
fantasies of women are in large part inner images of his own self that he
can experience in no other way because those elements have been rejected
as "feminine." These qualities include receptivity,
vulnerability, inner-directedness, nurturing, and noncompetitiveness."
Our culture does not allow men to get in touch with their inner being,
their pain, and feelings. Men who sexually exploit women are usually
engrossed in emotional pain camouflaged over years of sexual fantasy.
LOSS OF THE FATHER AND MOTHER
The missing dad in the life of our boys today is a major reason many of
them will ultimately seek intense intimacy through sexual exploitation of
women. A large percentage of our male prison inmates are from fatherless
homes. The majority of them are incarcerated for futile and destructive
behavior because they were trying to fill a void created by a lack of
parental love. Many others who do not break the law and do not end up in
prison, are still slaves to their drives and passion in their search for a
meaning to life. Many of them seek to massage their fragile egos by
exploiting women.
Fathers who refuse to love their sons can influence them to
become over dependent on the feminine for intimacy. "When fathers distance
themselves in matters of intimacy, they leave their sons with no way to develop
their own inner resources. The life-giving, healing elements that they might
have found inside themselves are instead sought out through sexual contact with
women. The void in the father-son relationship is filled with a dependency on
the feminine."
We cannot leave out the role of mothers. If a male childhood
relationship with his mother is an unhealthy one, it can predispose him toward
exploitation of women. If a mother refuses to participate in the painful moments
of her son, she will heightened his vulnerability to becoming exploitive of
women. If the mother herself is deprived of love and affection from her husband
or significant other, she may distance herself emotionally from her son.
"The depriving mother . . . share neither his happiness nor his pain. She
lets him cry alone, without supplying comfort; she ignores his joyous
discoveries about himself and the world around him. As he grows older, his
emotional life may become deadened because of her lack of involvement in it. If
a mother does not, to some degree anticipate her child’s pain, but only
involves herself in his emotional life after he has lost control of himself, she
is encouraging a patter in which he may become wild and destructive in his
desperation to win a response." (Dr. Rutter)
- LOVING FAMILIES NEEDED
To reduce the risk of our boys growing up and exploiting women, we must
take the time to love them when they are young. This love must include
sharing, touching, freedom to cry and expressing emotions, listening, and
plenty of conversation. The challenge we have today is that too many parents
do not know how to love. They are only good at making babies, but not at
raising them. I encourage all parents reading this article to make sure that
they genuinely love their children. If you do not know how to, or if you are
wounded yourself, then seek ways to heal your heart. Read a book, attend a
seminar, seek God’s help, or go to counseling.
Barrington H. Brennen, MA, NCP, BCCP is a marriage and family therapist and
board-certified clinical psychotherapist, in the USA. Send your questions or
comments to question@soencouragement.org
or write to P.O. Box CB-11045, Nassau, The Bahamas, or vis it
www.soencouragement.org, or call 242-327-1980.
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