Question:
Dear
Sir, I am 83-years-old and my husband and I have not had sexual
intercourse since our last child was conceived 44 years ago. No
one knows this because in public we put on a good face. Now
that I am older and the children and grand children are away, I am realizing that
my sex drive is getting stronger and I really would like to
engage in a beautiful sexual experience with my husband. Am I
too old for sex? How can I get the sex going again? Signed: A
hot old lady who is gray and spicy.
Answer:
Dear
“Hot old lady,” you are not too old for sex. Sexual interaction
is not limited to only adults of a certain age. Since
retirement age is at sixty-five, it does not mean that sex also
retires at the same time. There are many very, very, mature
senior citizens who are actively involved in the most intimate
form of love—sex. Couples enjoy sex even far beyond the 90s.
However,
Dr. Bean Robinson, a professor in Human Sexuality at the,
University of Minnesota, gives a more comprehensive response to
the question “Are you ever too old to have sex? He says: "The
short answer is: it depends. It depends on things like
opportunity, availability, ability and desire.” He continues:
“The long answer is no, you're never too old for sex. But the
landscape does change. He states that “sexual connection is
very basic to humans. After all, each of us has a sexual
identity and while it may change, it doesn't disappear. There
are also differences in the ways that men and women deal with
their sexuality over the years. A lot of women become more
confident in expressing and acting on their needs and desires.
On the other hand, and for the other gender, there may be fears
about "performing." Erectile dysfunction is big business these
days, and thus, a pervasive part of the culture.” Dr. Robinson
infers that the declining of sex over the years is not so
unusual. He explains “There are some not-so-good news, and some
good news. Over time people tend to have less sex in long-term
relationships. But, people also claim more satisfaction with
their sex lives as they age.”
Dear
“Hot old lady,” I have some suggestions that might help you get
started with a sex life with your husband.
-
Investigate:
Find the time to talk with your husband about your concern.
He needs to talk about it with you. Don’t beg him but
certainly express that although it has been a long time, you
are not ready to close the chapter on this part of your
life. Honestly dig deep in your mind to see if you remember
why the sex stopped. Was it because you lost interest after
your last child due to hormonal or psychological problems?
Was the relationship abusive causing your sex drive to
fizzle away? Were there other medical issues that have
impacted the sex drive in either of you—hypertension,
diabetes, heart problems, etc?
-
Change Your Diet:
Perhaps without your husband knowledge, research what kinds
of foods and supplements can help turn up the sex drive a
notch. Research tells us that watermelon is great for
increasing the sex drive. There are also certain spices
like cayenne pepper that can do the trick. You can add
these to his diet and see if there are changes. Then when
you notice something climb on and get happy.
-
Get
professional help:
If you cannot talk about the problem or cannot find avenues
to begin sex again, seek professional help. Talk to a sex or
marriage therapist. You might even seek advice from a
gerontologist (a medical doctor specializing in the
elderly). There are medications that are able to help you.
As mentioned
earlier, perhaps even a change of diet and
lifestyle might help. You are never too old to change your
life. “Old dog” can learn new tricks.
-
Show
Love:
Instead of complaining provide an environment of love and
affirmation. Let your words provide encouragement and
enticement. Brighten the home with vibrant colors, romantic
music, and extra special meals. Write him love letters and
offer to bathe together once and a while. While in the
home, dress to entice but do not over do it. In other
words, start turning the juices on in very gentle ways.
Let me
remind you that aging does not reduce sexual satisfaction.
Remember, it is usually related to poor health, psychological or
medical reasons. If your husband is willing to work with you, I
am certain the sex can be rekindled in your marriage.
Send
your questions and comments to P.O. Box CB-11045, Nassau, The
Bahamas or call 1242-327-1980, or email
barringtonbrennen@gmail.com or visit
www.soencouragement.org
