The Toxic Mother-In-Law, Part 1
Part 2
Barrington H. Brennen, April 12, 204
PDF Format
In
The Bahamas, we seem to have a
recipe for marital disaster when it
comes to mothers' involvement in
their children’s romantic
relationships or marriages. This is
particularly true with mothers and
their married sons. Too many of
today’s mothers have not cut the
emotional umbilical cords from their
sons’ and daughters’ hearts. They
have turned their adult children
into co-dependent, spineless
weaklings.
Not surprisingly, many married adults believe
they should have a greater loyalty to their
parents than to their romantic partners. The
boundaries are blurred, and the eyesight is
myopic. The toxic mother-in-law is known to be
sweet, nice, and friendly, but in the tight
circle of her children and their spouses, she
can certainly cause pain. Unfortunately, many
adult children take a long time to even
recognize that they have been bamboozled by a
loving, toxic mother-in-law. They are torn
between their loyalties, often becoming angry,
depressed, or confused.
Author and licensed social worker, Tricia
Johnson, states in her article titled, “Toxic
Mother-in-Law: 12 Signs & How to Deal with One,”
“Toxic people often use subtle methods of
control and manipulation in relationships. With
mothers-in-law, this toxicity may or may not be
noticeable to others (particularly their own
child). However, their behavior can be very
negative and invalidating, sometimes resulting
in low self-esteem, anxiety, and even
depression.”
The training of their sons starts when they are
very young. Before their growing sons understand
how to manage and interpret their growth spurts
and hormones, they are being told that they are
“mama’s boys” In some homes, even when the son
is the youngest and the older ones are girls in
their mid to late teens, the sons are told: “You
are the man” or “You are in charge” in the
house. It negatively builds the son’s ego and
false concept of power and control and places
him in the path of his mother’s manipulation and
control. He does not realize that her love will
soon smother him and that she will demand his
unswerving loyalty to her as he gets older.
My research led me to a myriad of articles on
this topic; hence the toxic mother-in-law is not
unique to The Bahamas or the Caribbean. However,
I do realize that it is the elephant in the room
causing the widespread of troubled marriages due
to the mother’s interference. Tricia Johnson’s
article could not make it clearer about the
twelve signs of a toxic mother-in-law; hence I
will share six of them here and the other six
next week in Part Two of this article:
-
“
She
Doesn’t Respect Boundaries:
Unfortunately, toxic mothers-in-law often
disregard boundaries by encouraging your
spouse to keep secrets from you, showing up
at your house unannounced, and questioning
your parenting style. Poor boundaries with a
mother-in-law can cause chaos and disrupt a
marital relationship.
-
She Thinks She’s Always Right: A
toxic mother-in-law is usually going to have
an opinion on how to raise children, take
care of the house, and cook. Also, she may
believe she is the most knowledgeable about
what her child needs from a spouse–and guess
what, you’ll more than likely never fit the
bill.
-
She’s A Master Manipulator: Your
mother-in-law may be savvy and may not have
always seemed toxic. In the beginning, she
may have pretended to foster a connection
with you. However, you eventually started to
see a different side of her. She started to
use more overt methods to meet her needs,
specifically by instilling fear, guilt, or
obligation in the family.
-
She’s Emotionally Abusive:
Emotionally abusive behavior includes
non-physical actions that are meant to exert
control over a person by instilling fear or
isolation. It may be subtle but can slowly
erode a person’s self-esteem.
-
She’s Passive Aggressive:
Passive-aggressive behavior involves
indirectly expressing one’s negative
feelings, rather than openly communicating
them. With a toxic mother-in-law, this
passive-aggressive communication and
behavior may be evident if she agrees to
come over for a family meal, but then picks
at her food and refuses to eat. Furthermore,
other examples may include lateness,
avoidance, weaponized kindness, sarcasm, and
subliminal insults. These are all techniques
she can use to express her feelings, without
needing to do so directly.
-
She’s a One-Upper: A one-upper is
someone who always wants to top your
accomplishments or make you feel inferior.
With a toxic mother-in-law, she will see her
relationship with you as a competition and
will say and do anything to “win.”
One-uppers hate to feel “less than” and will
make every effort to overshadow others. This
behavior is often used to mask low
self-esteem and ease feelings of jealousy
(if only for a short period of time.)”
Next week, return to this column for the
remaining six signs of a toxic mother-in-law and
my suggestions on how to respond to them and how
to stop creating them.
Part 2
Barrington Brennen is a marriage and family
therapist. Send your comments or questions to
question@soencouragement.org or call
242-327-1980 or visit
www.soencouragement.org .
