Far too many Bahamians are insensitive and cold in their
language. Too many Bahamians “kill” people with their
tongue every day. If there were laws against “tongue
murder,” the prison would be overcrowded ten times.
Too many of us say things to relatives, friends, and
even strangers, that on the surface these persons may
respond to with laughter, but deep inside it is a
painful blow. Proverbs 21:23 says: “Watch your words
and hold your tongue; you'll save yourself a lot of
grief.” (The Message paraphrase)
In this article, I am not just talking about offensive
words that come from the lips of street thugs. I am
really talking about any remark or joke that refers to
someone’s body, personality, or emotional
characteristics. The person receiving the remark may
respond with laughter only to avoid further
embarrassment or to cover up his or her feelings.
However, at night, they stuff their heads in the
pillows, ashamed and weeping. It was as though the
person was stabbed in the heart. It’s a painful,
seemingly slow road to depression and sometimes
suicide.
Many parents or grandparents make fun of their
children’s body type, size, or strange behavior thinking
they are really showing love. Here a few examples of
remarks that can lead to emotional pain:
“Look at my fat teddy bear.”
“Bring your fat self here.”
“You are so small you will never get fat.”
“Why do you have such a crazy laugh?”
“Come here with your peasy head.”
“Bring your black self here.”
“Bring your red self here.”
“You are my lanky son.”
“How many times I need to tell you that your head isn’t
good.”
“You will never make it in this world.”
“You have big hips.”
“You sissy. . . ”
I
could go on and on, but I am sure you can think of some
yourself. Many people under estimate the power of the
tongue and how emotional pain can impact the human
spirit. Research says that “pain caused by emotional
distress is more deeply felt and longer lasting than
that caused by physical injuries.” (Chris
Irvine, 2018)
O how I wish many would
understand this.
Psychologist, Kip Williams, from
Purdue University, said: "While both types of pain
(physical and emotional) can hurt very much at the time
they occur, social pain has the unique ability to come
back over and over again, whereas physical pain lingers
only as an awareness that it was indeed at one time
painful.
Many younger children do not really understand why they
are feeling so badly when called names. They “suck it
in” because that is what they are supposed to do. But
an emotional scar is growing deep within the heart. It
gets larger and larger until there is a giant emotional
wound infested with the putrefying puss of anger or
rage, frustration, low self-esteem, and suicidal
thoughts.
There are some spiritual leaders who cause emotional
damage to their congregants. Endeavoring to “purge”
their congregation of wrong or perceived wrong, they
make statements that stab directly into the very hearts
they are trying to reach. They say their church doors
are open for everyone but they still shoot their
visitors in the back. For example: “You fagots are
going to hell.” “Divorcees, you are going against God’s
will. You will never get a divorce if you truly have
faith in God.” Such statements assume that the
individual does not have a personal struggle to resolve
his own dilemma. Instead, the preacher pushes them
deeper into the dark pit of despair.
Even ministers of
the gospel need to learn how to avoid creating what they
think they are preventing. They need to find a way of
making the gospel attractive and not a stab in the
heart. Many people leave church feeling more wounded
and frustrated than when they first came. This text
is quite apropos here. Proverbs 13:3 says: “Whoever
guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide
his lips comes to ruin.”
Dear readers, seek ways to tame your tongue. Make it
your commitment not to wound another person with your
tongue. Think before you speak. Try placing yourself
in the place of the listeners. Listen to the hurting
one when they say your words are causing them pain.
Observe carefully the body language, facial expression,
and overall demeanor of those you are talking with.
Try to listen with your heart and not just your head.
Let your words breathe life and not death. “Do not let
any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only
what is helpful for building others up according to
their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Ephesians 4:29
Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and
family therapist and board certified clinical
psychotherapist, USA. Send your questions or comments
to question@soencouragement.org or write to P.O. Box CB-11045, Nassau, The Bahamas, or
visit www.soencouragement.org or
call 242-327-1980 or 242-477-4002.
