Question: Dear Sir, my husband is a lay leader in a popular church in
the Bahamas. We have been married for more than fifteen years and for the past
five years he has become very abusive. He was first emotionally abusive, then
physically abusive after he was chosen to serve in an outstanding church
position. The church members do not believe that he is abusive because he is so
"nice" and popular. The members often make me feel that I am the
problem. Why do Christian men abuse their wives? Need help.
Answer: Previously, in part I and II of the answer to this question,
I said that Christian men abuse their wives because they are allowed by society
to do so. Men are not held accountable for their behavior. I also mentioned that
another reason Christian men abuse their partners is that of a miss
understanding and misuse of scripture.
There are at least fifteen kinds of abuse. The obvious ones are physical,
emotional, verbal, child and sexual abuse. Those that we do not talk much about
are: economic abuse - trying to keep the wife from getting or keeping a
job, taking her money, denying her from having a say in how the money will be
spent, making her ask for money; using male privilege - treating her like
a servant, telling her what to do, acting like the "King of the
castle"; intimidation - threatening gestures, actions, destroying
property, making her fearful; isolation - controlling what she does, who
she sees, talks to, and where she goes; elder abuse - children abusing
their parents; ritualistic abuse - torture--beating, electrical shock,
etc, engaging in ritualistic sexual acts, brainwashing against society,
authority, etc. As mentioned is a previous article, the abuse that is most
prevalent in our country and that one that is not talk about is RELIGIOUS
ABUSE.
Let me share with you a story from the book Battered in Submission by
James & Phyllis Alsdurf to illustrate the meaning of religious abuse.
"Alice was only eight years old when she was sexually abused by her brother
in an attic. Forty years later as she talked about that incident and the many
which followed, she spoke through tears. "I passed out and when I came to I
was lying like I was hung on a cross. I carried that burden myself, thinking it
was my fault because of what I heard at church. The church was so powerful. The
little girls sat down in front practically beneath the pulpit and the pastor
always talked about hell, fire and brimstone, about harlots and adulterers. It
always was the woman’s fault. I wished then that I’d been born a boy. They
seemed to be favored. They had a chance to do to high school. I didn’t. My
folks had insurance policies for my brothers, but not for the girls. Five weeks
after marriage, her husband’s emotional and sexual abusiveness started.
"Being in control was important to him. He would make comments about
needing to break me like a horse." He didn’t want his family to think he
wasn’t in control.
Alice blames the bulk of her husband’s problem on the strict religious
environment in which both were raised. "It caused the problem in the first
place. There was no expressing of emotions, especially for men. The church gave
him the right to do everything he did. All we ever heard was that a woman has to
be submissive. It never taught the next thing, that the husband is to love his
wife as his own body. I never heard those verses in church. I didn’t even know
they were in the Bible until I read them at home myself."
The following text often misused on Christian wives by their Christian
husbands or enthusiastic pastors: Ephesians 5:23 "For the husband is
the head of the wife." Headship here dose not mean lordship, or rulership.
It is exhibiting Christ lifestyle of gentleness, nurturing, compassion, caring,
and empathy. Interestingly, we often call these feminine characteristics. Matthew
5:38, 39 "Turn the other cheek." This does not mean passivity for
of the wife. In essence it is compassion and a willingness to live peaceably
with all men. Ephesians 5:33 "The wife see that she reverence her
husband." 1 Corinthians 7:4 "The wife hath not power over her
own body . . ." 1 Timothy 2:11 "Let the woman learn silence
with all subjection." Ephesians 5:24 "Therefore as the church
is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in
EVERYTHING." Ephesians 5:22 "Wives submit yourselves unto your
own husbands." There are many more texts, but I think you got the idea.
The best way to explain these passages is by having a clear understanding of
another Biblical passage found in 1 Corinthians 13, called the love passage of
the Bible. If we are truly motivated by the right understanding of this text,
then all others will fall into place. "Love is patient, kind, gentle. It is
not rude, rough and crud." But when a well meaning, popular,
"spirit-filled" pastor constantly talks about "submitting
yourself to your husband," and not submit yourself to one another, the
Biblical message is skewed. There is too much preaching about submission. There
is too much preaching about headship. We need more emphasis on mutual
submission. Then, and only then love will reign supreme, not power and control.
Submission
is not a requirement for developing relationships, it cannot be demanded or
forced. Submission is a RESPONSE to nurture, care and love. Thus submission
beget submission.
Call for more information or
help: 1242-327-1980 or 1-305-767
4976 or email
barringtonbrennen@gmail.com
