Husbands, Please Do Not
Help Your Wives Do Things in The House
By Barrington H. Brennen, March 30, 2025
PDF Format
The
couple sat in my office, exhausted from years of
emotional and verbal fighting. The wife was
about to give up. She was sick and tired from
doing everything in and around the house. This
included cooking, washing clothes and dishes,
cleaning all the rooms, the car and garage.
Oh! I cannot forget raking the fallen leaves in
front of the house, taking the dog to the vet,
helping the children with homework, and putting
them to sleep. It seemed to her all he wanted
was sex, and it was her duty to give it to him,
even when she was exhausted.
His complaint to her requests to help her do
things in the house was that he was working very
hard, bringing home the funds to pay all the
bills and more. In the session, he said: “She
is doing what she is supposed to do. She has it
very easy. I am the one who is really working
hard. A man needs some rest at the end of the
day.” It was then I looked his wife straight
into her eyes and said these words: “Do you know
that your husband is not to help you do anything
around the house?”
Her face dropped in disappointment. With my
face not reflecting any emotion, I remained
silent for a while as I looked at her. It was
as though I was trying to penetrate her mind
with a message. But instead her lips seemed to
want to mutter to me, “How dare you say such a
thing?”
It was then I turned my stern face to the
husband. He was smiling. But he did not
realize that his smiles would soon turn to
disgust. I turned to the wife again. This
time, with a gentle smile on my mouth and a
twinkle in my eyes. I kept motionless for a
moment, letting the deafening silence permeate
the room. Then I turned to him as I watched his
sneaking smile turned into a frown when he heard
his wife mutter the words: “I get it. He is
supposed to do the work also and not just help
me do it.” “That’s it!” I said to them both.
“That’s it!” The husband’s view comes from an
ancient and patriarchal teaching that the male
is to be the undisputed financial provider for
most, if not all of the needs in the home. This
is the de facto role of the man. He alone is
the breadwinner.
A male-only “breadwinner” ideology and practice
has no place in a modern world where both male
and female have professions. In the ancient
world, it appeared to work because women were,
according to law and tradition, subjugated to
men. Just a cursory study of history will
reveal how women were treated as chattel and of
little or no value to society. Sadly, far too
many men still think of their wives this way.
This must change.
The belief and practice of being partners and
companions in the home is crucial to marital
happiness. Too many adults, even in this
post-modern world where artificial intelligence,
electric cars, digital locks, and hand-held
computers are a norm, are still remaining in an
ancient world of male dominance, patriarchy, and
traditionalism. They are still having
difficulty understanding that there is more
happiness and contentment where there is
teamwork. Research tells us that the happiest
couples are those whose roles are determined by
talent and not by gender.
A University of Florida Department of Family,
Youth and Community Sciences 2024 article
titled, “10 Things Happy Couples Do” states:
“They (the couple) share household chores:
Housework is more important in relationships
than many people think. Couples who share
household chores tend to be happier, but only if
they have agreed on clearly defined
responsibilities. Doing so can affect your
well-being and the way you think about your
partnership.”
Note carefully that the problem is not whether
the wife cooks or the husband cleans the car.
It is whether the wife cooks because it is her
role as the woman, and he cleans the car because
it is his role as the man. I am learning that
some parents are still training their boys to
believe that “washing dishes” is not manly.
Daughters are still being taught that they must
clean the dishes because they are females. This
is an outdated notion that has no place in the
modern world.
Here are a few tips to help couples become
partners in the home:
-
Listen objectively and nonjudgmentally to
your partner’s complaint. Seek to
understand.
-
Be willing to adjust. Avoid being stubborn
and allowing the tradition of your family to
impact the happiness of your own home.
-
Create a weekly chore chart of duties for
the entire family, even when there are no
children. When you do so, bear in mind
one’s skills and gifts. For example, a
partner may really not have the skill to
cook daily meals or iron properly. This
chart should be created for an entire month
of five weeks and recycled each month.
Since there are four months with five weeks
in them, it would be good to include the
fifth week. Each chore is for a week.
When there are only two individuals, each
one will have a few chores to do. The chart
can include diaper changing, putting the
children to sleep, feeding, helping with
homework, etc.; not just cleaning and
cooking.
-
Everyone in the home must be on the chore
chart, even the very busy, hard-working
parent with long work shifts and exhausting
tasks. Compassionate planning should take
this into consideration.
-
Avoid comparing the type of work or the
amount of time at work. A study by The
University of Texas states that one hour of
public speaking is equivalent to eight hours
of manual labor. Hence, someone sitting at
a desk all day can be just as tired and
exhausted as someone who lifts blocks or
cement all day.
-
Remember you are a team, and teamwork makes
the load lighter.
I encourage all couples to truly become partners
and companions in everything they do. Husbands,
remember, do not help her. Do it, because you
are an integral part of the household and it is
only fair to distribute the load to avoid
overloading one person.
Download and print sample
chore
chart below
[
Word Format ]d
Click here for a blank chart
[
Word Format ]
Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and family
therapist. Send your questions and comments to
question@soencouragement.org or visit
www.soencouragement.org or call 242-327-1980
