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Negative Thinking Destroys a Relationship
By Barrington H. Brennen
Perhaps the
most powerful marriage killer is negative thinking.
What goes through a partner’s mind when his or her
mate does something wrong or is perceived to have
done something wrong? If it is negative thoughts,
even if the partner is not in the wrong, it will be
a nail in the coffin. Clinical psychologist, Dr John
Crosby states “We are the ones who kill our marriage
. . . We commit marital suicide.”
What kind of thoughts would go through your mind
when your partner does not show up on time to an
appointment? There are only two types of thoughts:
positive or negative. Here are examples of positive
thoughts: “I wonder if the car had a flat tire.”
“Maybe the traffic was congested on the street where
he is traveling.” “The meeting must have come out
late and he cannot call me.” Here are examples of
negative thoughts: “He is never on time.” “She is so
inconsiderate.” “I could never depend on him to do
something right.”
For many individuals, it seems as though it is
easier to have negative thoughts about their
partners than positive ones because
 that’s
how they were raised—to be critical of people. Most
times there is really no reason for the negative
thoughts. The continual pattern of negative thoughts
will gradually destroy the relationship, even though
they might remain together for a long time.
Writer, Fernando Zabala, PhD, in his book “I Would
Marry You Again,” writes about this problem in the
chapter titled “The power negative thinking can
have.” He writes: “Why is what I think about my
spouse so important? The answer has to do with
mental sketches. With the passing of years, we
develop, unconsciously an image of our spouse. It is
something like a mental sketch. Every act is
evaluated in the light of the sketch. If a certain
behavior of our spouse coincides with the image that
we have developed, it confirms what we already know.
If it does not fit, it is discarded as unusual
behavior, something out of the ordinary. In social
psychology. . . In social psychology, this tendency
is called confirmation bias.” Dr. Zabala stresses
that “It simply consists of looking for information
that confirms what we already believe.”
Hence, if the
spouse is late to an appointment and it is not his
or her fault, the lateness confirms what the partner
had in the mind, that his or her spouse can never be
on time. That is negative thinking. This kind of
thinking would gradually eat away at the romance in
the relationship. Eventually, the arguments become
fiery and damming simple because the negative
thinking becomes a reality. Also, the negative
thinking would have created an image of one’s spouse
that is hard to change unless the negative thinking
is removed.
Let us talk more about mental sketches. Dr. Zabala
continues: There are mental sketches that function
in all interpersonal relationships, but function
with special efficiency in intimate relationships.
There are two types of filters. One is called
blinded by love. This filter functions in the style
of transparent “lenses” that allow the one wearing
them (usually boyfriends and girlfriends or recently
married couples) to evaluate favorably everything
their partner does: it justifies their mistakes;
laughs at their jokes, no matter how bad they are;
praises their bright ideas; highlight their
qualities, etc. The other type of filer is blinded
by hate. In this case, the lenses are dark, and you
can already imagine what goes through the mind of
the one wearing them: It doesn’t matter what the
other person does, or the good intentions of the
other person, in the end, this person will see only
what he or she expects to see: shadows.”
Research in emotional intelligence in marriage shows
that the way to know a successful couple from a
failing couple is how one responds to wrongdoing by
the other partner. What influences how one responds
is what one is thinking.
Psychologist, Dr. Brent J. Atkinson writes in his
article on emotional intelligence: “The way people
respond to the worst in their partners plays a
central role in determining whether or not they will
experience something better from them in the future.
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Your Daily Relationship
Nugget is a short radio program and podcast by marriage and family
therapist, Barrington H.
Brennen, designed to encourage, inform and uplift
families, couples, singles, parents, teenagers;
the lonely, depressed, troubled, etc.
Your Daily Relationship Nugget is a
division of
Sounds of Encouragement Association
Your
Daily Relationship Nugget is short and sweet. Each
program is between seven to ten minutes in length.
Each program is stimulating, provocative, and refreshing.
Barrington H. Brennen is marriage and family
therapist, counseling psychologist and a retired minister of
the gospel. He combines his 25 years experience and
training as a marriage and family therapist and writer; 43
years as a husband, and 42 years of ministry, to bring to
you refreshing nuggets that can change your life.
Your
Daily Relationship Nugget is a division of
Sounds of
Encouragement Association. Read
more
about him. Read his hundreds of
articles
on relationship issues and personal development.
Barrington Brennen operates
Marriage and Family Counseling Services in Nassau, The
Bahamas. He provides professional mental health
therapy face to face in The Bahamas or via video to persons
any where in the world.
Barrington Brennen conducts "Keeping
it HOTT" seminars on relationships, single life,
parenting, marriage, courtship, etc.
If you
would like Your Daily Relationship Nugget on your
radio station, kindly contact Barrington Brennen by using
the number/email above.
Coming soon! Sounds
of Encouragement Renewed.
A thirty-minute weekly or monthly program/podcast.
This will provide inspirational and wellness thoughts
blended with some of the most beautiful music on earth.
It will feature Barrington Brennen and his son, Gerard, as
the producer. This radio program first started in 1986
on ZNS Radio Network, Nassau, The Bahamas. It lasted
for about fifteen years on air.
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